About a week ago I snapped. I came home from Hospice to one more afternoon of three teens on three different screens and pretty much messes everywhere: backpacks, snack plates, cups (mountains of cups! Full, empty, used, just sitting there…), shoes, jackets… mess.  Please do not send me well intentioned advice on teens here folks. Spare me the report that says teens are messy, a tad narcissistic and most are addicted to computers/video games/technology… got it. Really, I do understand that they are normal. But, I am in no mood for understanding, some days, lately.  I ordered them off screens and told them to start a game of Monopoly, and one week later it has pretty much taken over our home. Hilarious wars are being waged daily over real estate, hotels, how the should or should not be thrown, who is winning and who is losing… which changes by the hour.  One minute US is stating “There is no hope; I should quit.” The next he’s shouting “Pay up China, that’s $1500!”  When Denmark counts wrong and accidentally misses landing on China’s Boardwalk, he calls to me “Ma!  They is cheats me now!”  Sec. Gen: “That is:  they are cheating me.” It’s always the right time to correct English phrases.

Anyway, despite this amusing distraction, it’s been a rough week… and a particularly rough day.  So please don’t send words of wisdom, or ideas of how I can parent better, cope better… I’m on the Edge. So don’t push me… Me and  Grandmaster Flash. (Oh yeah, push that link and go waaay back… Yes, young thangs, that is kool tech: iPod, back when you had to carry it on your shoulder and strut.)  This post is a rant, with humor and sarcasm used to deflect away from my personal shortcomings.

I had a few different ideas for today’s post, but life got in the way again. I woke to a pounding headache. I had to drive Denmark to the Golf Club for a holiday concert at 7:45 AM. Hello? Who goes to a concert at 8 AM? Just wondering who is that upbeat? I came up to find both China and U.S.  running late and surrounded by messes that I’d clearly said needed to be cleaned before they left for school. Mayhem ensued for 10 long minutes as they scurried around doing what should’ve been done last night. It’s amazing how fast Nations can work together and move forward, when a stern Secretary General says: “If I have to drive either of you to school this morning, because you missed the bus, it will not be pleasant.”

As I drove Denmark to the concert, US called to say he’d forgotten his lunch check and requested I drop it off.  On our way, three punk ass teens, for reasons that neither Denmark or I could figure out, passed me and gave me the finger. FingerS. We were all going the same way, so they continued to shoot arrows my way the whole drive, despite the fact that there was still no clear reason why. I dropped Denmark and headed to the high school, only to realize I’d forgotten to put on shoes. I had to walk into the school, through puddles, in my slippers. When I got home, all I wanted was a cup of hot tea. When I picked up the cup, to drink said tea, I found a puddle and then hot water running down my arm. There was a long crack in one of my favorite mugs. I put it in the huge box of broken pottery that I’ve moved from one state to another and had for 13 years, because “some day I’m going to make something of all that broken stuff.”

When I got home I was determined to install the new remote garage door key pad/opener, that broke the day Hubby left the country. I was determined to salvage this crap of a morning. The kids have not been able to get in without it; it needed to be done. I want it noted here, for the record:  that I stripped the wires, drilled holes and installed that sucker. Redeems me, after breaking a finger putting up holiday lights on our house four days ago.  All of this had occurred by 8:30 AM. An hour later, I realized that the microwave and computer were dead, as well as our WiFi.  Bad mood does not cover it.  I considered alcohol poisoning… but settled for copious amounts of Cheez-Its. When eaten quickly and in big handfuls, they are just dairy.

I called an electrician who is really good and promised to come right over. He was impressed by my garage door installation job, trouble-shooted the problem and was done in ten minutes. He was confused for a few minutes too, which helped me feel less stupid that I hadn’t figured it out myself.  He made a pass (yes, seriously) that could not be misinterpreted… Um, I said my husband was away, not dead. I gave him two beers and and we called it good.  For the record, again:  IF, big fat IF, I was going to go to that dark side, it would not be for 10 minutes of electrical work… no matter how good looking you are. Friends who live nearby, don’t even ask who it was. Good guy, great electrician and silly move. I guess I’m just that hot in a fuzzy sweater, fuzzy slippers and totally exhausted. Or, it’s my winningly sarcastic charm; irresistible apparently.

<— Does Charlie not just say it all? Seriously, that boy can cry foul!

Did I mention that it’s also an early release today? I’m sorry, but there is no explanation for why there needs to be a half day, one week before winter break. I needed that other half of a day to lick my wounds and pout. Seriously, by 11 AM all of the above incidents had transpired and the kids were coming back at 11:30.  I packed up my things and here I sit, eating sushi alone, and working on ways to go home with a better attitude. China and Denmark need me to take them to sign up for a gym membership. US is floundering in a couple of classes and I need to do some hard, cold limit setting, and I have not been over to see Mom yet today. I feel guilty each time I leave her and whenever I’m not there, and I feel tearful and helpless when I’m there.  My beloved golden retriever, Callie, truly had a kinder end than my mother and the irony of that is a bitter pill that chokes me daily.

The sushi by the way is meant to justify and balance out the the Cheez-Its. I’m pretty sure that all that raw fish un-does all the harm from cookies and crackers, right?  Well, except for the Mercury poisoning (and yes, I got my levels tested: they’re too high). Me and Jeremy Pivens: Insanity by fish. Whatever, it makes me feel better. It’s quiet here and I can sit in this corner and just type away. The kids are on day 7 of the most hysterical Monopoly game ever played and that’s bound to make me laugh, later. For now, this peace is sacred.

AND YES: I am aware that I seem incapable of actually writing a short “Middle” post… an utter failure at brevity. Utter. Failure. More Cheezits please.  I’m stuffing my face and singing:  “Don’t push me ’cause I’m close to the edge     I’m tryin’ not to lose my head    Uh Huh ha ha ha      It’s like a jungle sometimes,     It makes me wonder how I keep from going under.”   Play that funky music white girl…

Tell me your tale of woe. One up me. Or, make me laugh, but leave a comment. I don’t see your name, if you use something creative. You could even insult me anonymously… but then I might track you down.   Hit Like and make my day better… I’m not above using my misery to win Likes.

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