It’s been a time of lots of transition and life changes recently, and some days are harder than others… as many of you have read. That said, I want to thank many of you for the kind words and support recently. I also want to clarify something: I am not as critical of myself as it may simply come out in some posts. I am indeed my own worst critic, and a harsh one many times, but many of the observations and emotions around Huntington’s and my mother’s death are not to say that I think I wasn’t a good daughter or sister… that I didn’t do enough. I was/am, and I did. I know that. However, being there for those we love is not always pretty or altruistic. There are those times when I resent the whole thing. I don’t feel like the loving daughter/sister/mother/whatever, that I’d like to be… even if I know that in the big picture, I’m doing a pretty good job with a really lousy situation. Around Mom’s birthday this weekend, I was just sucked into the depressing and distinctly overwhelming reality of Huntington’s: there is not an end in sight. For each person I love, who suffers from it, there is then their kids (people I love so enormously, I can hardly bare the thought) to wait and watch with. There is the constant knowledge that the witnessing, the caregiving, did not end with my mother. That horrible 50/50 always looms in Huntington’s families, and it’s hard to not always be wary of the next shoe that you know will drop. There is potentially a very long line of this disease, that I feel tied to. I am tied because I love them, and I would be nowhere else. But some days it is really an awful lot to accept and deal with. So thank you for reading those posts and offering kind words, but be assured that I am as ok as one can be, living in the Huntington’s world.
And so I went for a walk:
It’s amazing what can go through your head in one hour. On my walk recently, it seemed that so many of the people and things I passed sent flashpoint thoughts to my brain. Most were quick observations, brief ponderings. I didn’t linger on any one thought more than ten minutes, and most no more than two, no matter how deep or how shallow. It was good to walk briskly, take things in and let them go. Remain silent.
Choices. Options. The path.
There but for the grace of goodness… And yet, I couldn’t help but think that this homeless man is resting on a beautiful little beach, with the sound of the waves to sooth him.
Take chances. Weigh options. Test limits. Use caution sometimes.
Boundaries. How do I mark mine? Who/what do I welcome in, and who/what do I keep out? Boundaries. (For the record, Luke’s marks his constantly!)
Youth. Fresh starts. Love. Longevity.
Beauty. Continuity. Patterns. Constant change.
Where do you go to think? Do you prefer to talk it out, or think it out? Which scenes make you think? Share your thoughts in the comment section. Hit like and make my day.