When I chose the name Tales From the Motherland, two years before I ever started blogging, I did so because I’d begun to realize that my entire life is informed and influenced by having raised my children. My role as mother has spread tentacles into nearly every aspect of life. Though there are plenty of things I do without my children, especially as they get older and are off living their own lives, they are rarely far from my thoughts. How I see things, what I do with my time, what excites/angers/appeals to/worries/thrills/ me, generally does so as I rapidly process it through my mother filters. Oh, Principessa would love this… Middle Man would love to try that… Little Man would be so excited to see this… Thoughts like these run through my mind virtually every day. If you follow this blog, you know that this is the topic I write about most: my kids, or being their mother.
A lot of my thoughts and emotions, over the past six years in particular, have revolved around aging as a mother. My two oldest kids have left and gone to college. My daughter has been out of college for two years, and has been living in Israel; while my middle son graduates from college in two weeks. He spent half of this past year in China and then Taiwan– my chicks tend to fly far from the nest. I’m happy to see them do it; I’m proud of their accomplishments. It isn’t always easy, and I certainly miss them, but mostly I am excited to watch them spread their wings and discover the world. I love to share that with them.
Over this past weekend, and through to the first weekend in June, I will experience some of the highest highs and the biggest emotional dips, as a mother– as my daughter returns home for a while, on Mother’s Day; my middle son graduates from college in less than two weeks, and my youngest graduates from high school in a month. These events will all herald big changes in my world. These are exciting times, but I also understand that there will be a lot of bittersweet to swallow.
These are not the only big events coming our way. In addition, there are some changes that involve not only my own children, but a few that I love as my own. I truly believe in the African saying: It takes a village, to raise a child. My children have been very fortunate to have a village of good friends, teachers, and close family ties, there to support them through their lives. I have been blessed to be a part of other villages, outside my immediate/nuclear family. I have wonderful in-laws, siblings with nieces and nephews, and close friends– who have often been like family. One of the most important villages I live in, is with my brother’s children. Over the years, they have become like my second family.
Circa 2000 in Florida. We have always been close!
Many years ago, when my brother and his wife divorced, I quietly vowed to make sure that their three kids would not grow up without us, even though they were in Florida and we were in Chicago… then Michigan… and for the past 14 years, Washington State. We have never lived in close proximity, and I knew it would very easy to slip from each other’s focus. My father was killed when I was ten, and we lost close ties to his family, for many years. The reasons are complex, but the end result for me was years of longing and wishing to connect. For many years now, they have been extremely important in my life, but it took many years to really reconnect. Early on, I became deeply committed to not allowing that to happen between me, and my two nephews and niece in Florida.
We have always made it a priority to visit them in Florida; it’s much harder for them to visit us. Then, several years when they were quite young, my nephews would come out to WA and stay with us for 10 weeks each summer. I would fly to Florida, pick them up at the airport and then fly home with them– never leaving the airport, it was the ultimate turn and burn. They would leave the West Palm Beach area– with its palm trees, beaches and miles of concrete, and come to the land of ferns, mountains, ocean, recycling and sledding in summer. The two worlds could not be more different, and the adjustments were not without some tribulations, on both sides. They were picky eaters; I was a stern disciplinarian at mealtime. Their world was entirely different from ours, and they debated things with their cousins (my kids) and us, just as we debated with them. But they were plucky and excited to explore, and we loved them. Despite the challenges, the kids grew up knowing that we were always here for them, and I felt deeply connected to them, and their wellbeing. We have long joked that they are my other babies, and in fact my children often felt like they were an integral part of our family. When we planned vacations, my kids would often question why their cousins were not going with us.
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- Hiking in the Cascades 2004
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- Mt Baker, 2004 (Scott, Ethan, Aaron, Justin and Luke)
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- Summer 2007, with Scotty
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- Backpacking trip with Justin 2010
There were other challenges. I have not been close to their father; our relationship has often been mired in conflict, or bursts of reconciliation– the kids caught in the middle. I have been very fortunate that my sister-in-law never let the divorce impact our ties. She has always included my husband and I in their lives, and we have made sure we see them at least once a year, more often when they were younger. My brother and I may always be searching for rapprochement, but his children will always have a home in my arms.
As the boys got older, their summer visits (sadly) came to an end. They had summer jobs, girlfriends–other things to do. My niece has never spent the summer here, alone, the age gap just big enough that it has become a trick to make it work. It is a source of enormous regret for me. My older kids were gone, by the time she was getting old enough to come on her own– gone are the days when I can manage a turn and burn, and her mother has not been comfortable sending her on her own. Adding to the challenge, is the fact that my youngest son and she would not have the same things in common as the older cousins did. I see her each year when I visit Florida, and I stay in touch with email and FB, but it’s been different, and I wish we could change that. (Summer visit 2010)
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- Ashlee in her first snow ball fight
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- Scott, always adorable!
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- Ashlee- first time sledding…
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- and having a blast!
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- Scott, Ashlee and I at the Farmer’s market
I’m lucky that I share a close relationship with all of my nieces and nephews (9 in all: 6 nephews and 3 nieces). I’ve worked hard at it, but I’m lucky because our families have nurtured that. Knowing that we would always be geographically far apart (our job choices having taken us far from our home in New England, and my brother’s kids always have lived in Florida), it has required extra effort, but has been well worth it.
The college Grad, at USF
This past weekend, my oldest nephew graduated from college at USF (Univ.of Southern FL) in Tampa, FL. He is the first person to graduate from college– in his family, on his mother’s side, or amongst his immediate family. It did not come easily for him; he worked harder than many. He had very limited funds, challenging barriers, and it was not something that came easily for him, academically; and yet, this past weekend, he graduated from college with a solid 3.0 GPA. He faced all of the challenges and prevailed. As his aunt, as his “other mother, “ I could not have been prouder, as I watched him, along with his girlfriend of 5 years, take his place in the auditorium. In the huge stadium, I watched from far up in the bleachers as he searched for us in the audience, his face lighting up when he found us. We waved our hands enthusiastically, and I burst into tears, for one of a dozen times over the weekend. I sat side by side with my sister (his other aunt, on his dad’s side), his proud mother, his sister (my niece), his Tia and Abuela (on his mother’s side). We all cheered when he and Erika walked across that impressive stage (side by side) and took their diplomas. We waved when he looked up at us, degree in hand, and beamed back at us. I cried again. It was an amazing culmination of years of effort, sweat and, yes… tears. It takes a village!
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- Watching, with pride, from the audience: me, his Mom, and my sister
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- My niece, Ashlee
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- That’s him, far left, second in… yeah, it was a big place… but we could see him!
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- My boy and his girl getting his diploma. He is 2nd from top, with the big smile
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- Scott with his proud aunts
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- With his proud Abuela
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- His love, Erika, law school bound
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- Scott with his sister, Ashlee, Mom and Abuela
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- We all ate cake
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- With Justin at dinner
After graduation, Erika’s parents graciously hosted us all for a wonderful night of dinner and celebrating. It was truly a village affair, as we toasted the Grads and shared our pride and happiness. The day after graduation, my sister and I let Scott show us all of the places that mean something to him. We toured his campus, seeing all of the places studied and learned. It was one of the most beautiful campuses I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of them! We took lots of pictures of him and us with him; we laughed and played; we celebrated his accomplishment, and watched him glow in our pride. He took us to see where he worked at the Tampa City Planning offices, showed us around the old Cuban area of Ybor City (a post in itself!), and drove us all over Tampa, to show us all the sites.
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- USF campus: Palms and bougainvillea…
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- Giant live oaks…
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- through the arbors to the bulls…
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- another beautiful path on campus…
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- The traditional riding of the USF bulls, at Graduation
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- I danced in a fountain…
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- my sister enjoyed the sun on her feet.
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- And we saved a few…
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- TURTLES! Why did the turtles cross the road? Who knows, but we had to stop our car and help a few across!
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- We all had dinner in Ybor City: Ashlee, Scott and Justin
My sister and I spent a long day, alongside his mother, and family, and then another alone with him for day 2, cleaning his apartment. We helped him organize his things into piles to donate, throw away or keep, as he and I talked about the issues of letting go, moving on, what’s important. We forged through piles of yucky college-age messes, and I tried to convince myself that my shower never looked that foul in college. Mostly, I reassured him that he is not foolish for having bought half a dozen football cups, all of which must go now; or cute USF items; piles of baseball caps; furniture that he couldn’t recupe his losses for; or endless bottles/packages/ piles of things he never really used, but he and his roommates thought they needed.
Our last night, he told us that he wanted to take us to a fun place on the beach. We learned this week that nothing is close by in Tampa; people drive for ages to do things! But drive we did, and we had the most wonderful dinner on St. Pete’s beach in St. Petersburg, FL. We ate with our feet in the sand, as we watched the sun set. As he’d promised, the sand was the silkiest, “baby powder” sand I’d ever felt, and the night air was the perfect cool, after a long day of work. We gazed at constellations and talked about what will come next for him, and I felt my emotions well up over and over…
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- On St. Pete’s beach, sundown
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- Bongos, on the beach!
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- At the pool. Proud Mama.
Our last day, the house cleared away (mostly) and 30 minutes to enjoy the pool!
Countless times over these past four days, I was moved to tears. Tears of joy, tears of pride, tears of gratitude and love– tears as I watched this wonderful young man, who I have loved since he was born, pack up and get ready to move onto the next enormous phase of his life. My nephew, having fought tooth and nail to get his college degree is packing up and heading to grad school in the fall– in all likelihood, only five hours from where I live! He is still waiting to hear from one school in California, but is it increasingly likely that he’ll be in Washington State. He has traveled very little, and until now his most of his world has been anchored to his hometown of West Palm Beach. This is a huge step for him! If you had told me just three years ago that he would be doing this, I might have wondered about your sources… but today, my money is squarely on him. His passion, his drive, and sheer mojo led him to a coveted internship with the Tampa City Commissioner this past year, which included major contributions to future city planning, meetings with Disney executives, and an open invitation to return when he’s done. He’ll study city planning in grad school and is on fire even as he faces his fears and prepares to turn his world upside down.
This next month will be powerful deluge of emotionally charged events. In less than 6 days I get to greet my girl at the airport and know that she is here for a while. We can take our time, and not feel the pressure of another goodbye. Then, four days later we’ll join her younger brother and celebrate his successful completion of college, before he goes overseas for a year. Then, one more graduation to round out a monumental spring of celebrations, as we watch our youngest along with our German exchange student (who is now another family member) get their high school diplomas, and start this next journey. My heart is bursting! I feel a mother’s love for each of them; I feel a mother’s pride. Of course, I boast; I brag. But isn’t that what comes of a mother’s love? They may not all be my children by birth, I know my role; but, if it takes a village, I love where I live!
What’s your village look like? Are you a parent, and do you have children that are yours not by blood, but sweat and love? Tell me what’s important to you.
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TALES FROM THE MOTHERLAND 
I am making my way around to all the blogs I have neglected this past month. One more final tomorrow, and I will be free to blog around to my heart’s desire and catch up on the stories I have missed. I love that you have kept close ties with you extended family. I have tried. Sadly mine has not been willing to reciprocate. I love my nieces and nephew so very much. I wish their parents didn’t act like children.
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Thanks for making the time Honie! With some serious set backs, I too fell way behind in blog reading and had to do some serious catching up! After about 2 weeks, I had to cut back the effort!!
I feel very lucky that my sister in law kept the door open, when she and my brother split. It could have been very different. I’m close with all the other siblings and their kids, and that means a lot to me. I make a lot of effort, and don’t take no for an answer very well… but I’ve also had a lot of luck on my side! Thanks again for taking the time to stop by. This was a long one!
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Great story.
Beautiful family.
I have a similar story but with very different results. I may just break down and bore y’all with it some day.
Thanks for sharing this wonderful tale from the Motherland, Dawn.
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Thank YOU Fearless… you are a wonderfully dedicated friend, and I appreciate it. I would love to hear our story; I have little doubt it would be far from boring! 😉
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Special time, indeed, for you. How blessed you are!
I’m happily waiting for my college girl to come home for break.
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Yes Audra, I feel very blessed indeed! This next several weeks will be full of incredible times with my family! My girl arrives home from Israel, after 2 years of living there, this Sunday… for a nearly 4 month visit!! Can’t believe it. When does your girl finish? Such an exciting time of year… although, I generally find myself very happy to have them home, for about 2-3 weeks, and then… well, it gets a little less sparkly. 😉
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Less sparkly … Yep. I know that feeling. And then by the end of summer, I’ll be sad that she’s leaving again
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Exactly! I’ve written that post too. 😉
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This is an awesome blog!! I just want to say God bless you and your family. 🙂
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Thank you so much Bigdave, and welcome to Tales From the Motherland. I appreciate you taking the time to visit and leave a comment. I hope you’ll stop back again, soon. 🙂
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You’re welcome anytime I love this blog!! I know I’m going to learn a lot. 🙂
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This makes me think of how even those who were never able to have their own birth children can still be a mother. Beautiful family, lovely write up!
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That is SO true, Sasha. I really do believe that we find our children in all kinds of ways. I honestly feel like a “mother” to several other kids, outside my biological three. While I know I’m not their mothers, I love them like I am, and try to be there for them. Each of my kids has a friend that is our other “family member,” and my nieces and nephews are all very important in my life. I’m glad you enjoyed this, and really appreciate your meaningful comment,
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Sounds like you will indeed have an emotional month ahead of you. But you seem to be the type of person who savors every moment, so I suspect you’ll experience a lot of joy even amidst the pain of saying goodbye to your oldest.
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Yes! My girl arrives in five days (!!) and then another graduation in a week and a half! It’s all so exhausting, emotionally and physically, but I do love these times. I don’t believe in sleeping, or sitting, when there is such good times to be had. I tell my kids all the time: I’m like a shark, if I stop moving, I’ll die. 😉 Thanks for taking the time, Carrie. I always look forward to your comments. 🙂
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What a lovely post, Dawn. You do have a packed month ahead. I can see why you are bursting with love and pride. You must be so proud of all of them. My oldest sister has a son my kids’ age and we try to do vacations together, keep in touch so our kids grow up together even though we only see each other twice a year or so! It’s worth every effort. Have a great month. Congrats on all their achievements!
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Like you, we only get to see each other 1-2x a year, Amy, but I just make a lot of effort to talk often and stay in touch. I agree, it’s worth all the effort! Thanks for taking the time… we are both so lucky to have those close bonds! 😀
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Thank your for sharing your beautiful extended family, Dawn, and every blessing for flow and joy as you face a challenging month. ❤
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Thanks Susan. As YOU know, family means so much! Hope you’re enjoying your time with yours!
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It is cheering to know that close knit families like this still exist, albeit because you have made the effort to ensure it happened. Enjoy all those special moments, you have worked hard to be where you are with these almost adults. I am not so close to my family so my children’s village is small. I wonder how this will play out as they get older, will they not feel the need to stay close to what family they have because we have not. I don’t like to think of my children not being close to each other.
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I come from a history of broken family ties, and no doubt that has informed my strong drive to change that with my children and my siblings’ kids. I really hope that as they age, they feel a desire to continue that effort. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, and share your own story. It means a lot to me, to connect with readers and other writers.
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I had a tear reading it 🙂
Lots of big stuff going on…my youngest is graduating university in a few short weeks too and my head is flooded with single parent memories of raising three of them. Plus lots more going on here this year as well – big changes, positive all round, we mums will move on to new ventures as well no doubt Dawn xx
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I keep hearing about the exciting things that await my empty nest years… I’m both excited and wary, admittedly. For now, with all that’s going on, I’m sleep deprived and excited. Honestly, I feel like i’m on a ride… as it goes up… up… up. I’m sure there will be some less fun moments too, but I’m looking forward to most of it.
So glad to hear that things are improving for you Annie! Hard to believe that our babies are leaving now too! Think Ireland! 😉
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Change is the only constant, right?! I was the same – excited and wary…then mother got older and older, and daughter’s diagnosis came out of the blue. I’m yet to launch into that ‘me’ time !!
Looking forward to Ireland though, and visiting daughter in Boston soon as I can too.
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Where will your daughter be?? I grew up, and went to college, in Boston. GREAT city, with so many opportunities for young people! If you ever get out to visit, give me some heads up and maybe I’ll take a trip home… and share a day in the city with you! I also have relatives and friends there, if she ever needs help.
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That would be so cool Dawn – to be in the same place at the same time 🙂
She’ll be right in the city area…we’ve yet to work out accommodation (bit hard from here!).
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Where is she going to school? Are there dorms? I would always go with dorms, the first year… but there are lots of options in Boston. If you let me know where, I can help you navigate better areas.
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Hi Dawn – I’ve emailed you through the email addy on your profile 🙂
Apparently the dorms are only available for the first years or that’d definitely have been my option for her too! She’ll be post grad though…
If it weren’t for the trip to Ireland, long planned; the upcoming wedding, and mother’s health I’d be coming with her in August or September! Maybe early next year…
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This post warmed my heart. I’ve always longed for the belonging and close ties of a family. I still do. I wanted that for my son which is why I moved over 5,000 miles away from my small family. It still doesn’t seem to be happening but I hope it improves with time. I’m glad to see that it still exists! So much emotion and so many changes you have coming! We will be here to listen should you decide to share. And I love the cannonball!
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Deanna… I come from some broken family ties, and I think that’s what really drives me to change that. All I can say is that it’s involved a lot of pushing and pulling, and work! It hasn’t always been easy, but I’m so glad we all stayed the course (even if it did take a little nudge from auntie D from time to time!).
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Congratulations to all the accomplishments of everyone in your extended village!
(You’re one of those people that does family exceptionally well.)
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Ahh, thank you Guapo. You do thoughtful exceptionally well! 😉
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wow, you do have a busy (and emotional) summer ahead of you!!
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I do. That post did not include the 3+ week trip to Denmark, Iceland and Norway, that I’m taking with my 17 year old. We’re going to search for Vikings. 😉
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How exciting!
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Yes! We are just starting to organize it… we’ll stay with our former exchange student (and forever daughter), Klara, as well as close family friends– both in Denmark. The other places, we are “freefalling.”
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Love this post- so wonderful how you’ve kept in touch with these important people in your life. I’m not as close to my nephews and nieces as I wish– or my own cousins — but if I do reconnect we always have a good time.Congrats on all the events!
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Thanks so much Lisa. It has always seemed like the right thing to do, but as I’ve noted, I am driven by losses that I hope not to repeat. I always appreciate your feedback! xo
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Dawn, What lovely young people you have in your family. It was wonderful of your sister-in-law to keep in touch even after the diverce, especially a good thing for the children so that they could see so much of you and your immediate family . Have a great visit with your daughter. How nice that your nephew may be studying not far from your home. I especially enjoyed all the photos in this piece. All the best!
Susan
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Thanks Susan! I am very lucky that it’s all worked out with my family. I’m not sure it would have happened if I wasn’t determined, as it is me that keeps in touch… pushing my way through, whatever others think. 😉 Luckily, we’ve all enjoyed the connection!
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Dawn, you rightly point out how fortunate you are to have a large, loving family, reminiscent of my uncle who had eight daughters and how their children, the cousins all grew up together. I will also point out what perhaps you are too humble to state for yourself, which is how fortunate all of your nieces, nephews, children and adopted children are to have you as their loving and doting mom/auntie. You are truly blessed. I was not so fortunate to have close bonds with family, although I have been blessed with fine friends – which includes you. 🙂 – Mike
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Well… again, I am always so happy to see your name in my comments. I have been very blessed with good friends! And yes, I count you amongst them. 🙂 Dawn
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