Unless you don’t read, don’t watch TV, or live under a rock, you’ve seen a numbered list recently.
They’re everywhere! Every. Where! If you’re a blogger, as I am, or a reader of blogs and on-line “news,” current events sites, etc, then you probably come across one of these lists daily: 15 Mistakes New Cooks Make (um, they’re new cooks, right? Must we judge?); 12 Ways You Should Dress Like a Drag Queen (I’m sure there are reasons, but unless you’re a Drag Queen, why would you?)– you get the idea. Everything is a list these days, and it seems that’s what people want: short sound bites about virtually every conceivable topic. I even read an article that suggested that the best way to get your blog post published on Huffington Post, Scary Mommy or other prestigious sites, is to write a list. *If you’re reading this anywhere, but Tales From the Motherland, then it worked.
Admittedly, I have read more than a few of these lists.
They’re easy; they’re slick; they are for idiots. That’s right, I think these lists are for people who don’t really want to understand something, they just want a quick fix. And ok, I even get that. Who doesn’t like an easy road round things? But ultimately, don’t these lists just keep us on that slippery slope of only half engaged? Let’s be honest, while we complain that teens can only pay attention in short bursts, aren’t we all more likely to watch/read/ listen to anything these days if it’s neatly packaged in a short, sweet fix? For instance:
twittertoolsbook.com
That, in my opinion is what these lists are all about: spoon-feeding information to us in the easiest, most palatable dose.
Recently I was clicking on links– another short cut we all take now: we’re fed some news item on our Facebook page, or the actual news page, and from there it’s a veritable rabbit hole of links! By the time you end up on some twisted site about how dogs are tortured, you’ve probably seen all kinds of inside-out items you never would have searched for. YouTube has built an empire on habitual link clicking. Click, click. Anyway, I started out reading a story about a recent school shooting here in Washington state on a news site, and I quickly found myself on Buzz Feed News, reading a story about how teens around the country are tweeting photos of their less than appetizing school lunches with the hash tag #thanksmichelleobama–because, well, if it’s not President Obama’s fault, it’s surely his wife’s– right? (#causeitsgottobesomeone’sfaultformyapathy). As I perused the other stories on Buzz Feed, I was struck by the copious selection of numbered lists– I mean, endless numbered lists! I was stunned. Is this really how people get their information these days?
In one column on Buzz Feed News (one column!) these were the numbered lists I found: 12 Jobs You Didn’t Know People Had (there must be more than 12!); 7 Moments That Constantly Hungry People Will Recognize (um, it’s my guess that really hungry people recognize only that they are starving); 19 Things That Are The Literal Worst (I wonder if they mean this literally or figuratively? And to save you time, none of the 19 things include being homeless, having no food, dying of a terminal illness, losing someone you love. They are the other 19 literal worst things); 34 Moments That Made You Realize You Were Totally A Lesbian (If I read all 34, will I inadvertently become a lesbian?); 24 Moments That Will Make You Rethink This Whole Having Kids Thing (kudos to the person who got that down to 24?); 13 Celeb Siblings Who Are Honestly The Same Person (honestly?); 21 Things That Only Identical Twins Understand (if I’m not an identical twin, what’s the point of reading this? Apparently, I won’t understand it); 21 Things That Single People Have Heard Way Too Often (like, numbered lists for instance? And what’s with 21?); 16 Times One Direction’s “Night Changes” Video Made You Want To Scream (so, if I read this, will I scream 16 times?), and drum roll please: 9 Things That Look Like Buttplugs That Are Not Actually Buttplugs (Damn! Someone’s already done a much more provocative #9 list, and, ok, do I really need to see that– knowing I’ll never be able to see those 9 things again without thinking of buttplugs? It hurts my butt just thinking about it! I will not look, I will not look… And, shouldn’t that read: 9 Things That Look Like Buttplugs But Are Not Actually Buttplugs? Or, is that using the B-word too much?).
*Because I’m nothing, if not fair, I’ve included the links to all of those lists, so that Buzz Feed News knows I’m not picking on them. Clearly I was on their site in the first place. With all those links, all twenty of the people who read my post will be tempted to find out… something. I’m betting on buttplugs.
For the record: my post is already twice the length of any of those stories and I haven’t even given you my list. Which is the point: If you’re still here, you’re actually thinking a little, I hope– or laughing, which would be a good too. I’m asking you to think about this list thing with me. And to be even fairer*, Buzz Feed News is not doing anything that isn’t happening on Huffington Post, Word Press, CNN News, Entertainment Weekly, Bravo, and the other sites I visit most. (If listing the sites I visit most has just turned you off, then remember you were still with me through buttplugs). It’s easy to see that numbered lists are everywhere. It really makes me wonder why they hold such wide appeal– aside from the dumbed-down, easy road theory I’ve already suggested.
Since I’ve already made the point that these lists are a way to dumb things down, and that I want to do something different here, let me share a little history with you. David Letterman is probably the king of Top 10 Lists; it’s a staple of his late night show. However, Letterman’s late night list actually started in response to the Top 10 Best and Worst lists in People Magazine. During one of his shows Letterman mentioned that those lists bugged him (he did not say “bugged the shit;” I’m original that way), and his writers came up with the brilliant idea of making stupid lists part of his nightly gig. The first Top 10 List on David Letterman, aired on September 18th, 1985. The list was: “The Top Ten Things That Almost Rhyme With Peas.” Now, we’re all trying to think of words that rhyme with peas; admit it. Please note that I wrote this entire post before wondering where these lists actually started, and then inserted this fascinating aside, into the center of my post, so that my post on lists, would be less dumb than others. While I don’t suggest this is historically accurate, in regards to top- insert number here– lists, it’s interesting; you’ve just learned something, and, I have just aligned myself, intellectually, with David Letterman. Snap!
However, I’m a writer; I want my work read.
So if lists are what people want then a list is what I’ll write. (And, I’ll add the tag “buttplugs” to this post, and watch my stats go through the roof!)
9 Reasons Numbered Lists Bug the Sh!t Out of Me:
(10 is so Letterman)
- Numbered lists are stupid.
- Numbered lists don’t require much thought or effort; I believe in effort and thought.
- Numbered lists are generally one person’s opinion and aren’t necessarily factual. However, because they attach a number to it, it comes across as if it is. For instance (since my brain is already traumatized), there are surely more than 9 things that look like buttplugs? But having read that list (and I didn’t), you’ll only know 9.
- Few things are finite, and numbered lists suggest otherwise. Admittedly, that bugs the shit out of me!
- The numbers generally seem so arbitrary, except in the case of things that are in fact finite: The top 10 U.S. Baby Names this year. I’m assuming research has been done here? There is literally a top 10 list.
- So… who’s to say any numbered list shouldn’t be another number?
- Numbered lists are old news– they are simply yesterday’s new thing.
- Numbered lists make me think I need to remember things– a particular number of things. That stresses me out, and leaves me feeling like a failure… over things like buttplugs. That really bugs the shit out of me!
- Numbered lists are often judgment, bullying, or preaching– cheerfully packaged in a clever (or, if you read #1, stupid), benign looking list (this should probably be my #1 reason, but since it’s #9, you may remember it longer).
There, I’ve sold out to the man… or the woman, if you’re reading this on Huffington Post. I’ve judged, bullied, preached, dumbed myself down, dumbed 20 other people down, and probably worse (if you read my list)– I’ve made a list. I’ve posted it. And circling back to where I started this twisted journey, if you happen to hit any one of the links I’ve provided from Buzz Feed’s numbered lists, you will in fact not only end up at the given story, but you’ll find a whole new column of… you guessed it: numbered lists! It’s staggers the mind to think how much damage this one post may have done.
No doubt, I’m going to hell in a hand basket, along with everyone who read this list.
somecards.com
What do you think of these lists? Join me in the hand basket!
* * *
GIPY
Make me smile; HELP ME REACH MY GOAL: I’d love to see the Tales From the Motherland Facebook page reach 500 likes in 2014. Have you stopped by to spread some fairy dust? Follow me on Twitter, it’s where I’m forced to be brief. Most importantly, if you like a post I’ve written, hit Like and leave a comment. I love to hear what readers think. Honest, positive or constructive feedback is always welcome. Click Follow; you’ll get each new post delivered by email, with no spam. If you see ads on this page, please let me know. They shouldn’t be there. ©2014 Please note, that all content and images on this site are copyrighted to Dawn Quyle Landau and Tales From the Motherland, unless specifically noted otherwise. If you want to share my work, please give proper credit. Plagiarism sucks.
TALES FROM THE MOTHERLAND 
True story. I started working on a post How to Sleep Through the Night in a House Full of Toddlers (or something like that) and… you guessed it… it’s numbered. 😉 So forgive me in advance. Luckily, I have no concerns about being Huffed (is that a thing?)
Awesome post! Because:
1. It made me laugh.
2. It contained buttplugs (or “burro logs” as my autocorrect would apparently prefer I type.)
3. It made me want to have a pre-Thanksgiving dinner glass of wine with you!
Cheers!
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Anything that makes you want to have a pre-Thanksgiving dinner glass of wine, at 8 in the morning, is a home run in my book! Let’s plan on having that drink together in 2015. I’m making it a serious goal, Jen. We need to take this off the web. 😉
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Agree that these lists have become more prevalent and are dumb and annoying. The only lists I like are the ones I make to organize my life: grocery list, to do list, etc. And I don’t number them!
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Me too! I live by lists… so maybe that plays into their popularity? I think I’ll explore this more, Lisa. However, I’m sick to death of being spoon-fed them on EVERY single site I visit!
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I hate these lists too. As I skim them I realize how easily bad writers get jobs at some of these “prestigious” sites and how good writers like us stick to what we do best…actually write for the slim majority that care what we have to think.
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Oh, Robin, you’ve made my day! Thanks for including me in the group “good writers!” So true: too many of these lists just hide bad writing. Not that mine is great writing either, but I needed to vent!
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Dawn, Hilarious. 😀 Lists can really draw a person in. They’re similar to quicksand. 🙂 — Susan
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They are indeed, Susan! 😉
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I’m so with you on this one. When I read articles that suggest the best way to get published on the bigger sites is through lists, it makes me weep. I’m a corporate copywriter by day, and we live and die by bulleted lists. The most recent research suggests that you have 8 seconds to engage a reader — and that’s pretty generous. All of it makes the novelist and book lover in my very sad.
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Ditto, ditto, ditto! All of it makes me very sad, Katrina… of course, if this post went viral and I ended up on all the top spots… I’d deny having ever said that. 😉 #sellingmysoultogetpublished
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Great post, Dawn. I don’t even know what a real buttplug looks like or even why such a thing exists, so I’m not tempted to go look at that list. Some things are just difficult to unsee! But I agree with you, lists dumb things down but somehow work to attract attention. But (!) I love it when you vent and I laughed out loud!
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I love knowing that anything I write makes someone laugh out loud! Especially you, Cathy. 😉 Thanks for making ME smile!
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#8. Yes! The stress! Too funny. And I read that same piece about how lists are the path to blog righteousness. The top most-read, most-shared post on my blog? 12 articles of faith for a Memphis believer. Swear to God. Happy Thanksgiving, Dawn. (And yes, I was laughing!)
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I get particular joy out of knowing that certain people read this, and that they laughed… your comment makes me particularly happy. 😉 Happy Thanksgiving to you, Jennifer!
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No, don’t hold back, tell us what you really think, Dawn. 😉
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Well… if you insist, Carrie. 😉
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Oh poo, my comment posted before I was done. I was going to add that I kind of like lists (covering my face in shame), and I’ve written listed posts myself. Whether it’s a good thing or not, people like quick and compact. But I agree we have to be careful with what we read. Your #3 is an important thing to consider.
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I should have clarified: I don’t dislike all lists (I do read them myself), but I’m sick of seeing them EVERY WHERE I click! That’s the part that “bugs the shit out of me!” I totally get that they serve a purpose… and see my comment to Katrina. 😉
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BTW Pretty sure Anne Lamott has never published a list. Unless you consider bird by bird an unnumbered list. But you would not consider it that because you are a wise (and funny) woman.
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I just fell more in love with you Jennifer. *sigh*
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Although it is hard to take issue with your rant about numbered lists, I have to admit that our decision to move to Bellingham was influenced in part by an article entitled ‘Top 10 Cities in which to Retire.’ Ultimately, your story impressed me with your humor. My favorite line was ’24 Moments That Will Make You Rethink This Whole Having Kids Thing (kudos to the person who got that down to 24?)’
I do not think I am so easily influenced by these catchy list stories. Did you really think you could direct my thoughts with “The Top Ten Things That Almost Rhyme With Peas”? Please! – Mike
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You’re the bee’s knees, Mike! Wait… don’t those rhyme with peas? And if a list got you here, then viva the list!
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Making a list of folks with whom to share this. 9? 🙂
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I love you for that… and at least 900 other reasons, Heidi. I’ll make a list for you. 😉
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I have a hard time coming up with a favorite anything. Favorite books, movies, songs, etc. Can’t do it. Bit if I could list to books or movies or names or cities, then I could make a list. In general I think the proliferation of these lists online is that they don’t require much writing and certainly not much editing. They are basically bullet points.
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They are indeed! And I’d read a list of two things… that would be an easy read! Thanks for sharing, Heidi.
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I read lists, Buzzfeed, do random and nonsensical quizzes on Facebook and so on as a switch off. Some people watch reality shows or soap operas. Sometimes I want to think, consider, expand my mind, learn. Other times I want mindless entertainment. The click bait annoys me, when I don’t get the fix I am after because it is just SO bland and stupid. Maybe I should go out more and engage in social conversations that never touch on anything controversial for fear of offence and can be as mind numbing and depressing as anything on the net.
Reading that I hope I don’t come across as aggressive. This is how I am thinking and is not intended as anything other than a point of view.
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Jackie, first: how great to see you here; it’s been a while!
I’m not offended at all… unless you’re saying my post was a bait and switch (there was a lot of words in there!), but I don’t think you are. I do all of the same things to switch off sometimes, and there’s no judgement in any of that. This is mostly a humorous look at lists. That said, I do get frustrated by the proliferation of these lists, in place of substance. I agree that not all social interactions, or conversations, are any better… but in general, I’d rather connect… and still switch off from time to time! Thanks for stopping by, Jackie. I really appreciate you expressing your thoughts here.
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I hate information that come in the form of photos that you have to click on to advance. I want an article with the information, not a photo and a link to click on from there! And I don’t really want videos, either. I’m old-fashioned–I read.
janet
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I’m a bit old-fashioned too, Janet. Glad that I’m in good company! 🙂
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Well as I am the 15th like on this post I feel lucky to be counted amount the twenty readers of your post!!! I agree with you though I find lists tedious. I don’t write them unless its shopping and only then because I am likely to forget what i went to get.
It seems people get a buzz out of them because they pretend to give out an air of order in their lives. To me they are far too prescriptive and therefore confining. Just look around and see what’s happening appreciate it or just move on don’t get bogged down in triviality it does so slow you down and makes you look on the one hand momentarily clever but in the main boring. Enjoyed this post Dawn you made a very valid point. Enjoy your day/night.
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Thanks Michael. Glad you made it in the twenty… You’re in good company! 😉 That’s a good point, the order we feel in lists. I had started a… list… of things that I think lists do for people and “order” is at the top. I think we generally like to feel like things are ordered and predictable.
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Ha! Excellent rant. Excellent. You know what I dislike more than the lists? Those stupid quizzes. Which dwarf are you? What is your theme song? I’m guilty of participating to some degree but enough is enough.
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I get sucked into them too… but yes, the same thing! Like we all need things abbreviated and defined. No more mystery. Arrgh!
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Ok I must admit I have been known to read a list or two but use it as a starting point to find out more information. Ian would have loved you comments about spoon feeding information and was so frustrated about how people make important decisions based on sound bites.
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Yes, lists are not the evil empire; I read them too… but Ian and certainly would have agreed. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, P. (( Hugs))
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*gasp* I can’t do anything in 140 characters!
Following… 🙂
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Right? Definitely not my forte either! Thanks for stopping by; your time is much appreciated.
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Fifty reasons I love your writing:
HA, just kidding. Only one. It’s awesome. 😛
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