Each time I go to the dog park with my studly dog Luke (his real name), I find myself equally amused by the people there as the canine crowd. Without fail, there are several people standing around, creating dialogue for the doggies they’re watching. I have to admit, I’m one of these fools. Can’t help it. The one liners and zingers just fly out of my mouth, as I watch Luke and the other boys and girls run, play, chase, pee and sniff… each others’ butts.

To be clear, my 11 year old dog Luke is a total alpha. He was a calm, easy going dog when we adopted him at 18 months, but I’ve always said that Smart Guy and I can ruin anything, and this yellow lab was no exception. He went from sweet, easy and chill to hyper guy in just two years:  eating socks whole (and spitting them up as solid, yellow wads later), tearing out our phone, shredding anything left sitting around and following me around like a neurotic shadow. As our old dog, Callie, got older and slower, Luke just amped it up and drove me mad. Mad! I’m not a quitter, but I seriously thought about finding a new home for him for a while. It is worth noting that Luke destroyed his first L.L. Bean “Indestructible Dog Bed” in under 2o minutes. They enthusiastically replaced it and he destroyed the second in less than two hours. They sent one more. That lasted a day, and L.L. Bean no longer carries the “Indestructible” dog bed. I told them that his face should be in their catalogue.  As I said, we can ruin anything:  kids, dogs, exchange students… we’re just that talented.

Anyway, Luke went from being this chill dude to a totally alpha beast. He is sweet to the core, so while he comes running into the dog park with his hackles all on end, he leaves a fight quickly and I’ve never seen him bite. He’s been bitten numerous times, but he’s not the biter. However, when he runs full speed into the dog park, the bitches and dudes all take notice. On those occasions when there’s another determined alpha, it can be more than a little amusing, and I take great delight in putting words to the occasions.

“Duuuude! This is my park man. See, I’m peeing right on the gate!”    “Really? I pee over your pee, Mate.”   “Mate? We’re dudes dude. You talk funny.  And I’m gonna pee every two feet just to show you who’s boss here!”  “Tell me you didn’t just squat?”  “That wasn’t a squat, it was a dip and raise the leg… ’cause I’m tough.”

“Woa, heads up Mate! Here comes that bitch Bella.”   “She’s a black haired pointer. Very rare you know.”  “Dude, she’s sniffing your butt! I’ll leave you two alone… Uh man, there is dog shit everywhere! Hello, humans, pick up please. This is gross!”

“Hello! Hola!  Guten Tag?  Can I get a hey?…  Anyone?  What, never seen a Dachsund Chihuahua?”

“Ok, I’m taking charge here:  Just line up guys. We can sniff more butts that way. Hey you, mutt boy, I said line up!”

“You can’t handle my magnificence.”

“Yo guys, check out the herder over there. They think they’re so focused, so intense, too good for butts… but just watch him when someone throws a ball. He he he.”

“I’ve got a better idea: you crawl through the tunnel and I’ll roll the ball to you .”

“I run, because I can. Because I’m an alpha. Watch me run suckahs!”

“I know she’s hot, dude, but doesn’t Bella remind you a little of Gene Simmons?”

“I was playing! Playing!  Seriously, don’t look at me like you’re gonna eat me. We’re domesticated! Domesticated!”

“Guys, check out husky; always has to hang with the hipsters. I’m Siberian you know, blah, blah…Cripes, on the table, seriously?”

“Fetch it yourself. I’m way too old for that shit.”

“Hey! Hey! Hi! Hi everyone! It’s me! I’m here! Come on; let’s play! Let’s play!”

“Ooops!  Moooooom!”

“Muddy? So, what’s your point?…”

“Shower! I hate showers! This is wrong on so many levels.”

“I am alpha. Your water can not bring me down human.”

Does your dog talk too?  Are you a fan of the dog park, and why?  Share some good karma and hit Like on this post. Leave a comment and talk in human words. Share some love.