There’s no doubt that I’ve been in the vortex of a serious shit storm, for longer than I care to add up right now…. Let’s call it a year and make it a full circle. But December certainly packed the biggest punch: Hubby gone for two weeks, climbing in Chile, while my mom was in Hospice– not expected to make it until his return. Five kids home at once, forming a U.N. that saw multiple adjustments and issues to be dealt with, while the Secretary General was clearly barely keeping her head above the fray. In the final week (7 Days!) alone, of December: Hubby went to the hospital sick, came home and then had to go back for surgery, while I was sitting in my mom’s room, unable to leave. Words of comfort were given over a phone, while we both weathered our own shit. It was not easy. Not the ideal “in sickness and in health” scenario.
Now, I feel like the storm has passed and there is just the debris to manage. My house is a mess. My schedule and rituals in shambles. I am seeing some friends, but being out and about is still a strange thing for me. Yesterday, I was just thinking: Hmm, I think maybe the Universe is ready to cut me some slack, maybe things really are turning around, when I hit another car. I had a perfect insurance record and my baby, my pretty car, is now damaged. It’s reparable, but the jolt was amazing, just minutes (MINUTES!) after I dared to think that other thought. For those of you who know me well, it is noteworthy that I did not knock on wood after saying it. Damn. That’s why I got the wood finish in my car in the first place! (The other car looks much worse! Damn! Damn! ^^)
There are piles of papers that need sorting (and now, lots of insurance papers too…Damn! Damn!); thank you notes to write for the many kindnesses and loving gestures by friends and a few family members. For a girl who loves hard copy, I can’t tell you how it’s warmed my heart to get so many incredibly thoughtful and heart felt cards and notes. There are bills that have been missed in the piles. Flowers, beginning to fade, but still there. There are issues that got dropped at school, for Little Man, that need my attention. Two exchange students who have agendas of their own and need signatures and some guidance, and care. Family spring break plans to book… as the fares continue to stay higher than I can swallow. A deck renovation, scheduled months ago, is finally underway and while very necessary and I’m thrilled to see it done… Part of me just wants everyone to just go away for a while and let me burrow.
In fairness (to me): I’m still counting the days (10); I’m still riding some waves pretty gnarly waves (mostly without a board); and I’m not really myself yet. I do see the light. I know things are due to shift upward (after I pay the damages on that car: damn! damn!); and that does make me smile. I’m not sitting around brooding. But like any storm, sometimes the debris after is just as daunting as the storm itself. I wish I could twitch my nose and just make all the papers on top of my dining room table, magically organize themselves. I’d like to just skip this part, frankly.
And yet, as the song Let Go says: “There’s beauty in the breakdown.” (Ironically, found this Walton’s video to the song. After posting Puddles, back in November, it struck a chord) Those lyrics rocked me from the minute I heard them a few years back. Now, they really hit me. The beauty in this breakdown, my breakdown: Clarity. Grace. Growth. Movement. Compassion. Joy. Presence. Vulnerability. Strength. Dreams. Music. Friendship. Bridges. Love that shakes me to the core… for so many people and things, right now. These things are all part of the “breakdown” and the growth that has come with it.
There have been so many amazing moments, amidst the debris. Picking up my mother’s ashes today, holding all that she was (physically) in a box, surrounded by the Olympics, Mt. Baker, The Canadian Coastals, and the Bay, all shimmering and shining, in the crisp, clear day. Things that move me all the time and make any day special, here in this spectacular place where I live. This day, was special. Painfully special, yet transitionally special as well.
There is beauty in the breakdown and clarity in sorting through the debris. Growth. Powerful who is there for you when you really need it… and who is not. Amazing what you find when you dig deep and come back up for air. The bumper on my car can be repaired. The piles will eventually get put away, and we’ll be back to the usual ones that linger, as testament to our busy lives. There are a lot of lessons being digested from all this. My brain is in constant motion right now… even if it moves slowly at times. My daily rhythm will return and things will get worked out, where they’re meant to be. Life does indeed go on. The deck will be stronger, and so will I.
Self promotions: Note my brevity! Congratulate me with a comment….
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