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Note: The highlighted words/phrases here take you to previous posts about that subject, or explanations of things discussed. Try it. That said, the links are not there to simply promote old posts. Most of you have either already checked these out, or don’t care, and I’m good with that. However, for the newbie—the links will take you there, friend. Welcome and have fun!

If that title didn’t bring you in out of curiosity (at least), you’re jaded, or nothing will. So now I have to keep you here… and that’s where it gets fun. This is a fun post. The fact is,  some of you are here specifically because you were searching for Butts to sniff or you think Michelle is cheating on Barack. For real. As a matter of fact, just recently an awful lot of people seem to think that Michelle is cheating on the President; while only a few were actually sniffing butts.  Ok, “a lot of people” is a relative term, but if 29 people found my blog because they were searching “Michelle Obama Affair,” how many more are out there? Of course, I had to Google Michelle Obama Affair too… crazy stuff.

I will not give links to that, you can look it up yourself, if you really think it’s worth your time. Personally I refuse to believe it. While Lance has shredded much of my fairytale naivete, I cling to my belief that some people don’t dive in the dumpster. Michelle and Barack, despite his brief flirtation with me, are on that list. Admittedly, when the “Michelle Obama Affair” search engine result started showing up in my stats more frequently, I did go look. I wondered if I’d missed something even bigger than Petreus (who has single handedly helped Lance sleep again), and I wondered what you find with that search engine, that would lead you to my blog. It’s amazing what is out there folks, but mostly some very right, right, wingnut stuff. Imagine how shocking it was for those 29  people, when they landed here and found out that I was having an affair with the President!  By the way, for those of you who have wondered what happened after I ended it: Barack wanted me desperately on Monday and Tuesday last week (November 5-6th) and then, incredibly, he just got it. I think he finally realized that a writer chick like me would only write about it, and Michelle needs him… more. He seems to have accepted that it’s over, and he stopped writing. We have all wistfully moved on.

This is what the world looks like to me
Screen shot of hits, by countries

How do I know there are butt sniffers and Michelle Obama conspiracy theorists (Who claim, btw, that if she were a Republican wife, this story would be all over the place. Because you, know, they handle our Kenyan/Muslim/smoker/ hardly-a-Christian/didn’t really win the election…President, with kid gloves)? I know how people got here because, as a blogger on Word Press I get daily statistics on my blog.  In addition, I can view the cumulative stats as well: from the week, the month, or up to a year. I can see what countries the readers come from; often one of my favorite parts. My readers from Denmark have dipped considerably since the U.N. disbanded; I’ve never seen China on the list. Generally I check the number of hits per day (how many people landed on—not necessarily read— my blog) and what they read. If I was more motivated or technically savvy (though I did edumacate myself to take screen shots), I might then use that information to tailor my blogs to readers’ preferences.  Mostly I just find it very amusing. For someone who is relatively clean and non-offensive in her posts (for the most part, relatively, I think…), it is really amusing to see how many people land here by accident, searching for… well, sexual content at the least and smut at the worst.

What people are reading
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I’ve said it before: my post Call Me Prissy… Butt gets hits Every. Single. Day. In fact, it has the third highest number of hits of all time.  The number one hit is the Home page/Archives: which just means that more people land on one specific post and then go to the home page to see what else is there. That’s good. That means that when they land here, many people take a minute to look around. The second most commonly hit post is The Grass Is Always Greener on Someone Else’s Head, but that is because it was Freshly Pressed. Most of those hits came in the two weeks on and around the date it was Pressed.  Frankly it is not my best post, but I think the title caught their eye, and it had something that people connected to. What I enjoyed most were the hundreds of amazing comments. I answered every one, and was really impressed with the cool stories people shared with me about their hair.

I have no doubt, that in time Prissy Butt will top them all. There are an awful lot of people searching for photos of thong underwear, young girls in underwear, and more than any other search engine: panty lines; and those searches seem to lead them to Prissy Butt, which (for the record, again) may come as a big disappointment to those particular readers. Panty lines, Hmm. Begs the question: Are way too many women worried about panty lines, or are way too many perverts looking to see panty lines? I find it intriguing. Again, from a gal who mostly writes about her kids, her thoughts on parenting, and being a woman my age, who doesn’t worry that much about her panty line— imagine how many disappointed visitors there are out there!

Most recent search engine stats
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Strangely enough, a lot of people ended up here looking for Criss Angel. I never really wrote about him, but I saw one of his products when I was lost in Bed, Bath and Beyond, once. He’s a hip “magician” or illusionist, who has probably never read my blog and yet we seem to be linked in the world of search engines. I imagine those are just more disappointed people, finding a middle aged blogger instead of an edgy showman. Talk about illusion. If I knew what I was doing with search engines, I’d lasso that baby and really up my blog status. I’m not, and that fact leads to lots of spam mail offering me help with my searchability and visibility, and a few other interesting offers.  Thank goodness for “mass delete.” Lots and lots of spammers find me and send me mail, that Word Press kindly and accurately filters for me, so that I can read the real comments that some of you kindly take the time to leave for me.

People have found me searching with fairly benign search engines, which include: “Beautiful Prudes, (whatever)”  “What is the motherland of popcorn, (What? What is it?)” “Passive Aggressive Control Freaks,” (which I did in fact cop to, but have probably slipped a little since then), various takes on Olympians and hook ups, surfing hand signals,  yoga, “what to wear to a middle school dance,” “beans flowers,” “crabs fishing boats,” “كريس انجل 2012” (Arabic for Criss Angle), and lots of things to do with melanoma, some of which actually cross into the smut department and many of which are people looking for answers regarding melanoma. I must say: please do not come here for advice! I only play a professional on a blog and I confused BBQ sauce for melanoma!

But what strikes me over and over is the truly bizarre, freaky, twisted, at times truly unsettling search engines that bring people to Tales From the Motherland. These are real phrases: “Panty ass,” “Wearing no underwear,” “I like to see girls pee their pants” (you will not see it here buddy. I promise.) “juke nose bra” (whaaat?), “blat girl mombed around now down video” (really), “ass fork thong” (oh dear G^d!), “sniffing butts, (geez! It was about dogs)” and perhaps the most bizarre of all: “lick your horny mom baby written stories.” Ok, seriously who is looking for all of that in one phrase? Wait, don’t tell me; don’t contact me. But believe it or not, two separate searchers! The list is way too long and stunningly consistent in the eyebrow raising absurdity of the terms. It’s enough to give me a complex… make me worry about who is really out there.

However, I  find comfort in the knowledge that by far, very far, most people end up here because they subscribe to the blog; they like the blog and know what they’re getting; or they found me via another blogger and want to see what’s here. If you look at the nearly 36,000 hits since I’ve started, the stats on search engines account for a very small portion. Most people got here because they meant to be here. Phew! And of the search engine people, again, the highest number came for two specific posts and the Prissy Butts, well… they amuse me, even if they’re searches trouble me. In the end, I’ll keep writing about my world: “straight up with a twist,” and people will find me. The fun, the average, the interested, and the twisted.

Leave me a comment, tell me what you think. If you laughed or were shocked or went to see whether Michelle Obama is cheating, hit Like and make me smile too.