Note to new readers:  Our family took in two foreign exchange students this year. Denmark is a 17 yr old girl. China is a 16 yr old boy. The U.S. is our 15 yr old son (Little Man). Israel, when home, is our 22 yr old daughter (Principessa), and Canada our 19 yr old son (Middle Man). I am The Secretary General. Smart Guy is dad, and there is no other clever name. Smart Guy is just a smart guy. Together, we are the U.N.: a home where laughs come daily, chaos reigns and borders fall easily, as we live like a real family.

Note to all readers:  This post crosses some lines. This writer acknowledges that up front. So, if you don’t like potty talk, or outrageous silliness, stop reading now. Know that no foreigners were hurt in the making of this blog post or in the incidents cited. All parties were aware that their comments were being noted, and pictures were used with permission, and assistance in editing for privacy.

Things have been shifting at the U.N., ever since Denmark and China returned from a week long “field trip” to California. They were lucky enough to tour San Francisco, Hollywood and L.A., and both had a fantastic time. However, upon their return things had clearly shifted a bit, and in the week since their homecoming, the assembly has been trying to get things back on track.

China, having purchased a “really cool” baseball cap, also acquired a faux gangsta attitude and a penchant for copying Denmark’s voice.  Attitude:  China was pushing Denmark’s buttons. Denmark said “China, Stop it!” China promptly repeated Denmark’s words in a hilarious disrespectful, perfect imitation exaggeration of Denmark’s somewhat dramatic tone of voice, with the added very strong Chinese accent:  China, Stoooop it!  Denmark, growing impatient warned: “Seriously, knock it off!” Not to be out done, China adjusted his cap and repeated, in what he clearly believes is Denmark’s voice:  Seriously, knock it off!  This went on, as the Secretary General (in the other room listening) laughed uncontrollably considered options for  negotiations and imagined high fiving China remained neutral.  China was amping up like a seasoned comedian, as Denmark clearly reached a boiling point. Interventions were finally needed and Secretary General had to remind China that relations would be very strained if his imitations continued.  The Secretary General may have winked in cahoots with China. This detail has not been confirmed at this time. The response was classic China: Oh ok, never mind.

Further attitude: China also purchased a “cap,” aka: a beanie, and likes to wear one cap or the other and saunter around, in what China perceives to be an L.A. fashion.  Saunter being a key word here.

It was noted that following the trip, Denmark seemed a bit tense and less agreeable than usual. Several conflicts between nations occurred and Denmark was present for most. It was denied by Denmark that any bad mood was involved, until evidence to the contrary was clear.  Conflict resolutions were started, over dinner.  All parties agreed that a week with 40 other exchange students may have caused some frayed nerves, and all will work on regaining a positive attitude.  Secretary General might have threatened harsh interventions, to obtain these promises.

Denmark has let slip some anti-China comments recently. Most common goes like this:  “I’m sooo sick of Chinese food!” (For the record- this has been uttered numerous times recently.)  U.S.: “We don’t eat that much Chinese food.”  Denmark: “It’s much more than I usually eat; I’m so sick of it!” (Yes, Denmark does tend to speak with exclamation points) China: “Well, I am eating American food all the time! That is really soo much.”  Denmark: “Whatever. It’s not the same.” China: “Oh, never mind.”

And: Upon seeing that The Secretary General was preparing rice with dinner (simple white rice), Denmark stated- “Oh, China will be so happy.” Distinctly  snarky tone.    (Despite verbal sparring, China and Denmark are in fact on good terms.)

Secretary General, in a moment of frustration:  This is a dictatorship, not a democracy. I am the dic; you are the tators. “What’s dad?”  He’s often a dick, but today he’s a tator too.

Text from China, while in California:  “Los Angeles- both weather and girls. L.A. is hot!”   Translation was clear.

Smart Guy: “Is snarky a real word?”  Sec.Gen: Yes.  “Is there snarkish? Snarkily?”  For the record: Snarky, snarkiest, snarkier, snarkily.

In a move to curb potty talk between Beavus and Butthead China and  U.S.(sensitive folks, should not watch this video link), The Secretary General has suggested some changes. It was requested that these particular countries reframe from passing gas and gloating about it.  (This includes yelling “Opa!” when passing gas, smiling broadly and saying smoothly “Exuuuuse me,” or simply grinning.)  It was strongly suggested that in the car, it be forbidden all together, The Secretary General siting health code issues.  China and U.S. state that this is “impossible,” while Denmark and The Secretary General insist that holding it is not only possible, but practiced by females all over the world.  Smart Guy added fuel to this debate by siding (physically and verbally) with rogue nations China and U.S.  Currently there is a stalemate in negotiating any further between males and females, who are divided down the middle… Females One side civilized, and the other males remaining in their caves.

Along these lines:  On a recent long car ride this issue reached epic levels.  China violated this ruling immediately, just before we were getting out of the car. When Denmark cried Foul! (literally), and all parties agreed that this was a terrible smell, China reponded: “No, this is very healsy smell!”  All nations exited the car very quickly, upon stopping.  China maintains innocence.

It has been established in recent weeks that Denmark is not, in fact, perfect… as previously believed by some. China and U.S. have delighted in this realization and have gone to extensive lengths to point out any and all possible evidence (dishes left out, chores not finished, snarky comments, any tiny infraction). It should be noted that Denmark has in fact demonstrated an over-active tendency for sarcasm and snarkiness of late. China and U.S. note each incidence, for the sake of “fairness.”  The bubble has burst, and The Secretary General has been forced to admit that Denmark is not perfect… almost.

After two weeks of watching the back deck (three stories up and directly outside the kitchen window) be demolished and torn down, with big caution railings installed and the floor missing, tonight China looked out the window and asked: “Are they making a new deck?”  The Secretary General responded:  Um no. We plan to leave it open like that, to get rid of guests we don’t like.  (There may be a link to Denmark’s increased sarcasm and The Secretary General. Secretary General denies all accusations. However, this is the view from our kitchen table/where we eat each meal/where you can see that there is no deck/for nearly 7 days now… clearly we’re building a new deck!)

Apparently, while in California, China attempted to take over the Governor’s office. Despite the cool hat, Southern California attitude and efforts to blend in, security noted that China was an imposter, and he got no further than a photo op in front of the state podium in L.A.

China has finally completed The Hunger Games (first book). Now, the entire assembly (who have been anxiously waiting) can see the movie next week, on spring break. Upon finishing, he proclaimed: “The boys in this book are so stuuupid!  They don’t get anything.”   Yep, that’s a  very accurate portrayal of boys, in general.  (Ok, perhaps there is some evidence to support that The Secretary General has modeled some sarcasm, occasionally.)

The U.S. sustained an impressive sun burn, skiing this past weekend, on only the end of his nose.  Apparently, the song Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is known in other nations as well.  Proving that music does in fact bring the world together.

 <— The Secretary General thinks it may be time for another puzzle. (The U.N. in the early days of team building and calm relations.)

Despite some crankier times of late, there is still a lot of laughter.  And whatever they may say in the moment, the U.S., Denmark and China remain staunch allies.  Snarky comments, flatulent boys, sarcastic mothers, Chinese food, car trips, food wars… As Talking Heads so eloquently put it, in possibly the best song ever written: “Same as it ever was!”

(Wait! Maybe this is the Best song ever… either way, the Talking Heads wrote it.)

Note:  I am still offering to donate, or get rid of, 2 items per new Like on my Facebook page. Come on, force my hand.

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