Note: I wrote this last week, but had other things to post…
I just woke up from the strangest… most vivid dream. I wanted to write it down, as it felt so real and so meaningful, and here in that hazy first hour after waking—before my brain jumps into overdrive, before the demands of this day come up to shake me, before the dream drifts away…
I was in a Spanish speaking country, someplace far from home but not identifiable (feeling a little lost, but figuring it out?). For much of the dream I was working to get food, find a place to stay, find my friends and family—who were mysteriously there too, but not accessible to me (again, cut off from the familiar, figuring out new terrain). Suddenly I was in a very dark place, it looked like a large car garage, and a busy inner city street as well. I was trying to get out of there, carrying my laundry and some items I needed. Cars were rushing by me, and I was making my way through the traffic, at times like crossing a highway, and other times walking between cars and trucks that were stuck in dense traffic. I knew that if I wasn’t careful, I would be hit, but I could see each move I needed to make, it was just a challenge to get there. (deciding which things to keep in my closet? Facing chaos= feeling threatened, but confident that I can figure it out)
There was a group of young homeless children, all boys, roaming the streets. They were yelling things at me and others, trying to trick me and take the things I carried or guarded. I began to forget that they were just children, and found them threatening and scary. They were all around me, and I had to keep watching to be sure they didn’t take the things I needed, or hurt me. (hmm, could mean a lot of things- throw me a guess) They were all around me: hiding behind things, jumping out and yelling, pursuing me through the traffic and I was twisting and turning, to avoid the cars. I tried to stay focused and not lose track of where I was going, but I was anxious. (Again, lots of life changes right now… trying to find a new way/path… things are foreign, and seem threatening/challenging but there is something familiar and comforting there too— small children).
Suddenly I saw a young woman approaching me— She looked like my daughter’s best friend, who has been my “other daughter” for years. Again, it looked like her, but I kept thinking she was a stranger and I wasn’t sure what her intentions were: Why she was approaching me, in a place where everything else seemed scary. I was wary. As she was walking toward me, I saw that all of the young boys were gathering in a menacing way, following her and whispering… I felt scared for her, and wasn’t sure what to do to help/protect her. I watched, afraid to act but she was so golden (surrounded by light, and glowing) and I knew that I wanted to talk to her, but had to be cautious. She told me not to worry about the boys, that nothing was as scary as it looked… and the boys then gathered around her and she became playful with them.
I approached the boys and they all were suspicious of me, and held back. Then one boy came forward and I told him not to be afraid, and that I wasn’t afraid of him. He came to me, and I hugged him, though he tried at first to pull away. I just held him tight. He became very happy, and melted into the hug… and I held him close. He whispered: “All I wanted was to be held.” And I looked around and the idea that “nothing is as scary as it seems… it is all ok in the end,” came to me very clearly. I held the little boy, and then suddenly I heard the words “now wake up, but hold him with you.”
I woke up and went directly to my computer (usually I get my coffee and dog fix first). There was a skype message that my son had just left from Taiwan, saying “You’re not on line!” I messaged him back, and had a wonderful chat with my boy. It was SO good to see his face… would have given anything for a hug. Alas… in my dreams.
So peeps… what does all of this mean? Or, silly nothings? I dream every night; I dream vividly and I think my dreams often reflect stuff that I’m grappling with. What about you? Do you dream? Do you look at your dreams and see meaning, or do you see it all as movies just playing out in your sleep? I think that there is a lot behind this one… mostly centered on my “anxiety” about moving forward, making changes, trusting that things will be ok… but maybe, I just miss having my boy around. Or, maybe it’s all just a dream.
Share your thoughts… tell me what you think.