Real Husbands Have No Place Beside Real Housewives…


… When the TV’s on.

Unknown-2Ok, I’ll take one for the home team, and before you all start writing… I know we’re not all on the same team. It’s a phrase. Nothing more. Some of you ladies will disagree with everything I say here. Ok. And some of you men are nothing like Smart Guy. Whatever; I get it. But, I will: take one for the home team. I’m going out there and admitting, I watch Real Housewives of __________. We’ll leave that blank because… well… ok, I might have a bit of a Bravo addiction interest. In fairness, it started when I was depressed; don’t hate.  I spent way too much time sitting watching TV, unable to do much else–  besides write, and ignore the real issues.  I’ve admitted it before (Let’s Get Real). It was a lighter piece, despite the topic.  I got past the depression, but the TV issue remains. I find it a small price to pay for my mental health, but lately I’m finding myself dealing with a much more nagging issue than the embarrassment of reality TV addiction: my husband and his misguided belief that I like him to watch these shows with me. I don’t. In fact, it sucks.

image: tvguide.com

image: tvguide.com

Smart Guy, is just that: a generally smart guy. However, he is not any different from lots of other guys, in that he has not caught on to my “nudges.” He does not like Real Housewives, but often he is mysteriously drawn into the family room when I’m watching it. I’ve told him, fairly clearly (Just go! I hate when you watch this with me. You just ask annoying questions and give me a hard time through the whole show. Just let me watch it alone!) that I prefer he not watch with me. Most of the time he sees it on and chooses to go do something else. We’ve been married for 27 years; we don’t have to do everything together. But when he doesn’t, when he opts to stick around, it is not fun. In fact, it pretty much sucks the life out of my guilty pleasure.

It always starts the same way: “What are you watching?” Duh. Um, unrealistically glam women posing as housewives, hmm, what could I be watching?

Then he stands there, sitting would be to admit that he’s even mildly interested. So, he stands there, behind the sofa– another thing I detest: that standing over your shoulder (literally) thing– and he snickers. Or he harumphs. Or he makes a stream of meaningless one word statements: “Really!” “Ridiculous!” “Seriously?” “What?” Or, the enormously predictable 6-word statement: “How can you watch this stuff?”  It is apparently his go-to foreplay line, a clincher, as he must think it’s the same as saying “You’re so smart.” It’s not.

He asks ridiculous questions: “Are these women suppose to be real?” Um, no. They just call it Real Housewives. That’s irony. Ironic. Meant to be unReal. Get it?  Or, “How old is she? She must have had some work.” Uh, well no. I’m sure she’s entirely natural. Breasts aren’t meant to move, neither are eyebrows or cheeks. They’re all very organic looking, don’t you think? This show is all about real. It’s even in the title. “Where do they get all that money? I mean, who has that kind of money?” He’s a plastic surgeon/realtor/ Entrepreneur… Don’t ask about New Jersey; their restaurant/construction business is really successful.  Real Housewives have that kind of money. Duh. “Who needs that kind of money?” Yeah, that would be horrible. I’d hate to travel whenever and wherever; it would be so miserable to have that kind of money… you know the green kind, that you can spend.   * I never said that Real Housewives doesn’t bring out the ugly in me. It does.      “Do they all pole dance?” Um, apparently. And admittedly, it’s a *bit* over the top.       

http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-beverly-hills/season-4/videos/carltons-a-pole-virgin

He laughs at things that aren’t meant to be funny: “Really! She’s upset that her dog is missing?” Hahaha. “That’s suppose to be interesting?” Snigger, snigger.  “They actually make a show about some fake housewife’s dog getting lost?”  Hmm, let me see. Yes, they do. Her housekeeper let the dog out and now she can’t bear to tell her kids that their dog has probably been eaten by coyotes! What part don’t you get?  This is hard stuff! What is your point, Smart Guy?

He makes statements about things he knows nothing about and I have to explain: “She’s nasty!” Well, actually the others have been ganging up on her all weekend in Palm Desert and she’s finally standing up to them. “The music is really stupid” It’s building tension; it’s creating a scene. “Yeah, but it doesn’t sound like she’s a racist. In that clip she wasn’t being racist at all.”  Right, but that was just a clip. There’s a whole history there. You see when she was dating a guy who… oh, never mind! It’s very complicated!  Can we please just watch?  “If she invited her to dinner, it seems rude of her to be so confrontational.”  Arrgh! That’s because the dinner invitation was a set up. She put little hearts on some name tags and not others. They’re ganging up. See, they have this history… Never mind! Can we please just watch?

http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-beverly-hills/season-4/videos/what-planet-does-brandi-glanville-live-on

His worst ploy is the most annoying: He asks clarifying questions, as if he’s really interested.  This just drives me further round the bend, because explaining the actual answers sounds stupid even to me takes so much time, and he still thinks it’s stupid doesn’t get it.  “I thought they were friends? Why isn’t she inviting her to Ojai?”  “Didn’t they used to be really good friends? Why is she talking about her to the others?” “Are they married?” “Do you think he married her because she was a dancer?” “What do their kids think of all this?” “If she has that many shoes, why does she need to go shopping again?” Or, when they are showing us again one of the Housewives’ ginormous shoe closets (yes, closets just for shoes), there is the infinitely manly, and oh so out of the park– because, and I digress a bit, I am a shoe fiend. Do not bring shoes into it! That is just the line in the sand buddy… “What! Who needs that many shoes” Uh, that is the finest shoe closet I’ve ever seen, and you are on your own tonight clueless Smart Guy. What the hell is wrong with you?!

image: pando.com

image: pando.com

Somewhere in this nightmare disruption to my girl-time, in a house oozing with testosterone, my son inevitably saunters by and fires one of several clever quips: “Why do they even call this Real Housewives? None of these women are housewives!”  I will pass on the social implications of  that boorish observation, and will ignore the implication that he doesn’t think I or any of my housewife friends could look like that, act like that. Or there’s the sucker punch, much worse from my kid than his dad: “How can you watch this stuff, Mom? Really!”  I want to be a good Mom, I really do. He’s a good kid, in most ways. But, inevitably I yell say Shut up! Stop commenting on my TV shows! So mature. I am.

Some days, because I am a stay at home Mom, and my kids are nearly grown (making me, semi-retired, woot-woot!) I watch during the day, when they are all gone. It is quiet and peaceful and I can think my own thoughts.  Uh, seriously! There is more filler in that face than skin….   Has she even worn those shoes!…   God! This music is ridiculous! So melodramatic!…   Has this chick ever been to a grocery store? I thought they weren’t speaking? Why would she go to dinner with them, when they are so rotten to her… Really? Really!

The tables do turn occasionally; I get my turn.

image: someecards.com

image: someecards.com

When we’re watching Game of Thrones: I love to feed my boys (all 3) a steady diet of Reality.  Uh, those women would never look that clean and smooth in that era.       Or, They did not wax their vajayjays then! That is not how a real woman looks, without wax! (Not that we know when then was, but I see little likelihood of waxing in Westero, just saying)        Um, I don’t see any women whose bodies are anything but thin and perky. Seems a bit unlikely, don’t you think… I mean in a general populace of Westeros and the realms, are they all thin and beautiful?       And the infinitely unpopular: Uh, I can assure you, none of those women are really enjoying that.

Or the Superbowl (any sports event, for that matter):  Why do they keep touching each other’s butts?       Doesn’t he seem a little clumsy to you?        Those Cheerleaders look really organic, don’t they? I like the close-ups of their colorful shirts.       Oh, oh, it’s not looking good for “our” team, is it?        Or do you think they can come back? 

image: perthnow.com.au

image: perthnow.com.au

James Bond is one of my favorite times to level the playing field:Why is he called 007, again?      Haven’t there been a whole bunch of James Bonds? I mean, wouldn’t this one be like 0012 or something?     Did you know that Sean Connery was accused of hitting his wife.     Don’t any of these women know James is dangerous?     She’s had a lot of work, I think; those breasts don’t look real to me. What do you guys think?      He never seems to get very bruised or beaten up.     How come he never gets shot? He really misses all those shots at him?        The ever well received: Paleeease! There is no way he could survive that fall from the train/ car crash/  bomb exploding in his house/ insert other James Bond antic.  * I do admit that since Daniel Craig took over, the James Bond character has become a lot more delicious believable. (You may or may not want to mute this clip, depending on your tolerance for hard core music Sonic Mayhem)

My favorite question to ask, when I join the boys for some of their favorite viewing:  Don’t you think this is a bit unRealistic? Bravo! Score one for Mom.

What’s your poison? Got a guilty pleasure? Share it in the comments. Tell me what you think. Hit Like if you were amused, or said Amen. Subscribe, if you want to get more of this good stuff.  Please take a moment to check out my TFTM Facebook page and hit Like; my goal is 400 this year. There are times when I’m very clever on Twitter, but you get what you pay for. It’s free.

© 2014  Please note, that content and some images on this page are copyrighted to Dawn Quyle Landau and Tales From the Motherland. If you care to share my work, please give proper credit. Plagiarism sucks.

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About Dawn Quyle Landau

Mother, Writer, treasure hunter, aging red head, and sushi lover. This is my view on life, "Straight up, with a twist––" because life is too short to be subtle! Featured blogger for Huffington Post, and followed on Twitter by LeBron James– for reasons beyond my comprehension.
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44 Responses to Real Husbands Have No Place Beside Real Housewives…

  1. I haven’t seen any of the Housewives series but can relate to not wanting company when watching shows that I know I like (Downton Abbey) and he doesn’t. Two tvs, two rooms, he goes and watches the tennis channel and there’s peace in the home.

    Like

  2. erinleary says:

    OK – I have to admit, my husband sometimes does this with my inane guilty pleasure shows (latest one: The Carrie Diaries – don’t judge me). My spin on it? He really wants to watch (sort of like rubber-necking at a car accident) but can’t admit he actually enjoys them, too, so he has to mock them to show his intellectual superiority. I told him that was how I interpreted his joining me in watching them and let him know he didn’t fool me. That seems to have worked for me – he now walks on by.

    Like

    • Hmm, that may be a new approach, Erin. 😉 So far, he denies any of my interpretations, but continues unabated. And trust me, there is no judging here! I’d lose. I may be stuck for a while. Thanks for chuckling along with me; much appreciated!

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  3. unfetteredbs says:

    My husband and I rarely watch tv together. But I admit… He would be more apt to watch Housewives than I. What is it with them and standing, hovering while we watch? I do not understand why grown men slap each other on the ass during their games. It’s wierd.

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    • Audra, couldn’t agree with you more! The hovering, that damned hovering… what the h is that?? He stands right behind me, feigning interest. Gah! And the butt slapping, well, admittedly, I use that for my own counter attack… so slap away guys. 😉 Thanks so much for adding to the discussion. We can all chuckle together…

      Like

  4. El Guapo says:

    There are some reality shows my wife watches just to get under my skin.
    Then she giggles at my outrage at the behavior of the people on-screen

    Like

  5. Carrie Rubin says:

    I’ve never watched any of those housewife shows. In fact, I don’t watch any reality TV (I watched Dancing with the Stars for a few seasons but gave that up). My husband and I like similar programs for the most part, so that helps. Our favorite show is FX’s ‘Justified.’ I like mostly crime dramas/police shows. Some legal stuff, like The Good Wife and Suits. We have shows we watch separately as well. I’m not into zombie stuff whereas he loves it, so The Walking Dead is his thing. We tend to watch movies together more than we do TV. A little apart-ness is a good thing in a marriage, no? 😉

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  6. Pingback: Real Husbands Have No Place Beside Real Housewives… | ugiridharaprasad

  7. Lillian says:

    “Uh, those women would never look that clean and smooth in that era. Or, They did not wax their vajayjays then! That is not how a real woman looks, without wax!” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEN!!!! haha! Downton Abbey tops my list of guilty pleasures and my husband is the WORST with the commentary there – either that or Parenthood! And Orange is the New Black (PLEASE let it come back soon!) I’d be a complete Bravo-aholic if we had cable and I could watch regularly, so it’s probably better for me that I’m limited to what I can scour on hulu or netflix:)

    Like

    • Well, we share Downton! I tried to get my husband to watch it that first season, but he wouldn’t. Now… he just asks a bunch of annoying questions… and hovers. 😉 Yes, be grateful… very grateful that you don’t have Bravo. It’s a wicked hole to fall down! Thanks for coming by Lillian. Always love to see your comments.

      Like

  8. I’m with you. I’m a junkie…and I do watch during the day while everyone is gone (because it’s definitely not appropriate tv for the little guys, and my husband is just like yours). Real Housewives is like cheating on your diet…you need to do it alone to save yourself the embarrassment of taking so much pleasure in it…or having someone call you out on it 🙂

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  9. I’ll never forget I was with my ex on a Sunday night out of town. It was the end of a certain season and he was busy working on an assignment. I turned of RHONJ. Half an hour in it finally caught his attention. He backed up his chair to check out the screen, looked at me and said “I always thought you were so cool”.
    LMBO.
    Thanks for helping me to come out of the closet.

    Like

  10. Middleman says:

    The fact that there is entertainment crap out there that is preferred by a male audience does not make the crap preferred by a female audience any less… crap.

    Also, watch your assumptions…

    http://renresearch.wordpress.com/2012/12/09/did-renaissance-women-remove-their-body-hair/

    http://www.historyundressed.com/2008/03/ladies-have-you-ever-forgotten-to-shave.html

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    • Thanks for stopping by Middleman, and thanks for the interesting links… even if they are delivered in a somewhat haughty way. I have read some of these details before (researching a piece about waxing), but in general find the likelihood lacking that the women in these periods would have the perfect “Brazilians” that we’re seeing in some of these shows, or that they would be quite so smooth and clean. Just a thought, nothing terribly academic went into this. 😉

      Further, I should be very clear, crap is crap. In no way did I say one was less or more crappy. I’m just saying that it’s fun to dish it back on occasion. I would venture that my Bravo “crap” is indeed the winner in that catagory. Thanks for taking the time to read and share your thoughts. Much appreciated… especially the time spent researching women’s hairy or hairless vaginas. Thanks!

      Like

  11. Cathy Ulrich says:

    Hilarious, Dawn! I know what you mean about the hovering and commenting, when really all you want is to watch with guilty pleasure. I’m with you, Daniel Craig is the most delicious/believable of the James Bond incarnations. Also, I love shoes – Zappos is poison, I tell you, poison! But it would be heaven to have a shoe closet!

    Like

  12. zeudytigre says:

    I am the annoying commentator in our house because I cannot stand nudity / sex scenes that are there to titillate rather than add to the plot. Neither can I stand it when strong women characters are introduced only to go all needy when they get involved with the hero, or when they go adventuring dressed in impractical / unnecessarily revealing clothes, or when they come out of some traumatic event still looking sleek and perfectly coiffed. Makes me sound a lot of fun doesn’t it? ‘Here she goes’ is the normal reaction from the family, or ‘You’ve said all this before’. I don’t think they understand how I can enjoy Game of Thrones given my prejudices 😉

    Like

  13. Marjorie Galleher says:

    Woke with this- first read. Was concerned because I haven’t watched newest episode yet. It’s DVR’d. Thanks for not spoiling! Great rant. Shoo Big Guy out of room with baseball bat at 8:50pm.

    Marjorie

    Like

  14. Almost Iowa says:

    “When we’re watching Game of Thrones: I love to feed my boys (all 3) a steady diet of Reality. Uh, those women would never look that clean and smooth in that era. Or, They did not wax their vajayjays then!”

    Humph!! If they can have magic dragons in Westeros, they can have waxed vajayjays.

    But yeah, I can’t see interrupting someone else’s viewing pleasure. I built a cabin in the woods behind our house. When my wife turns on The Bachelor, I grab a flashlight and head out to the cabin to watch things blow up.

    Like

    • Dang! A cabin in the woods… THAT’s the ticket! I want one. Frankly, I’d be out there all the time. 😉 Welcome to Tales From the Motherland. I appreciate the time you took to read this post and comment. Hope you’ll read more, and tell me what you think. I love this approach!

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  15. This was a funny post. I finally had to buy another TV for the bedroom because we’re in India and cricket is a passion here. I haven’t taken the time to understand the game past a few parts that are somewhat similar to baseball. My husband doesn’t like to share his TV time. Also, in his later years he’s taken to watching daytime serials in either Marathi or Hindi which I don’t understand and are shown with loud music that continues the full time. It about drives me up the wall. One Indian woman told me her mother stopped watching them because she couldn’t hear the dialogue. The actors spend a lot of time just looking at one another with music playing that sounds like a battle being fought.

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    • Admittedly, I’m a fan of several Bollywood films, but I could only watch for so long. I’ve been to India twice, and the music was not high on my list of Really Must Do Agains. 😉 I’m thinking the 2 TV may be the solution… we just need to move the 2nd one to an equally desirable location. Right now, we both want to use the family room… with the comfy sofas! Thanks so much for reading and sharing your own experience. It’s so fun to share these stories, and the effort and time is much appreciated.

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  16. hugmamma says:

    I enjoy watching the Housewives shows. I don’t always catch them, but when I do I find them entertaining. Thankfully, my husband sits quietly reading his Nook. Once-in-awhile he may glance at the TV, but it’s rare that he makes a comment. I’ll have to give him an extra hug after reading about what you go through.

    Like

  17. LOL. I tend to watch my shows alone on the internet. I hate Q&As during a program. Especially if it’s fast paced and I need to catch every line of the dialogue for the episode to make sense. I love how you turn the tables on your husband though–brilliant!

    Like

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