If You’re Fu@#ing All The Time, You Must Be A…


A Fruit fly!

Hot damn! It’s that time of year again, and I’m losing my mind chasing these horrible creatures around my kitchen, with wet hands (because, if you didn’t know this: it’s easier to kill them with wet hands) and clapping constantly. My husband said he’s going to buy me a set of canastas, and my adult kids just watch in horrified fascination. I can’t just leave them alone. Clap! Clap! Snap of the dishtowel! I’ll tell you: I’m good at this.

I was away for 8+ weeks, at BlogHer’15 and waiting for & meeting my new grandson in Israel, and when I got home, I thought I’d missed them. There wasn’t a fruit fly in site, and I was over the moon. Yes, that is seriously one of the first things I noticed. I thought I’d somehow gotten my cake and eaten it too, for a change. But lo and behold, they were simply waiting for me to let my guard down, and leave some wine out. Kerplowie! Fruit flies everywhere! Clouds of them on my dahlias. Bursts of them on the grapes. Isolated stragglers drowning in my Syrah. Clap! Clap!

And so, I’m bringing back this perennial favorite (if for no one else but me)… in the end, how can Barry White ever not make you smile? Though admittedly, now when I hear Barry White, talking in that infamous deep, low, sexy voice, I can’t help but wonder if it’s Flight of the Concords (and you can thank me for this gem too)! But when it’s Barry White and fruit flies fucking, well… bring it on!

Warning:  This may gross you out. It may make your skin crawl. So many insects, so much sex.

I am losing my mind. Before you assume I’m talking about my dining room table still, I’m not. It’s fruit flies that are driving me mad this week, not the mess on my table. Those tiny little insects that appear every year around the end of summer, and then procreate like crazy all over my beautiful, fresh produce. Those infuriating dots that fly up in little clouds when I come into my kitchen, from about late August to mid-September, when the cold finally puts an end to their siege. Northern varieties actually hibernate, which seems cute in bears, but disgusting in fruit flies. However, while they’re around, they seem to multiply by the hour!  At my writing group last night, they began to congregate around the wine glasses and before the meeting was through, we all swore they had doubled in numbers! The little guys are fu@#ing all the time!

Surprisingly, there’s a lot to learn about about these insidious little sex addicts flies:

The fruit fly, of the species Drosophila: which includes D. Melanogaster, D. Immigrans, and D. Simmulans… includes approximately 1,500 verities in total. The melanogaster is widely used in scientific studies, especially genetic studies. In fact, this little household nuisance is a labratory super star! Because they actually replicate many of the same genetic make-ups found in humans, they can be used for studies in all kinds of areas, inexpensively and without harm to humans or other animals. They’re especially popular because their chromosomes are quite large and thus easy to see under a microscope. Thomas Hunt Morgan studied fruit flies, and won the Nobel Prize in 1933 for identifying chromosomes as the “vector for the inheritance of genes.”  Fruit flies are not just studied in genetics, but are in fact, the most studied and researched bug in the world!  They have a short life cycle (1-6 wks, depending on the variety. The local/Pacific NW variety live about 8-10 days), interesting genetics,  they’re easy to breed, and let’s face it, I’d rather see them do scientific testing on fruit flies than other animals. Gives you a slightly different perspective when you find them swarming around your juice, eh?

That’s right folks, fruit fly porn! It’s all over the internet!
image: imp.ac.at

Sex and fruit flies? Seriously, these guys are putting humans to shame. Males in the drosophila group are known to have the longest sperm cells of any organism on earth (300x longer than human sperms), and they are wired to use those sperm. These guys go on, and on… When you see them congregating around your bananas, your ripe peaches, anything in your kitchen, they are there for a quick bite, and to score with female fruit flies and create little baby fruit flies.  They are not there to drink your wine. They are doing the big nasty all over your kitchen people! Seriously.

I’ve already caught 6!

 

Fruit flies are not that smart. Ok, this one surprised me frankly. I’d always heard that they were, but apparently not. Fruit flies are focused on eating and fu@#ing reproducing, and can be trapped fairly easily. Wine, overripe fruit or cider vinegar make for best baits, and any container with a small funnel-shaped opening in its top works. The little guys follow the scent and once inside, generally can’t figure out how to get back out. Duh. I set up a cider vinegar trap today, and it seems to really works. I did write: “For a good time–>” on the glass, in tiny fruit fly print. I am currently also on a stealth mission, when I’m home:  I sneak into my kitchen at irregular intervals,  and hit them with a sharp snap of a dish towel. My aim is good, the flies are stupid.

Did you know that fruit flies sleep. For real. They stop what they’re doing, close their little eyes and rest for a while. They’ve been used in numerous sleep studies, with applications for humans. If I knew when they were sleeping, I could get them all in one fell swoop! Clap!

No matter what I do, there’s a party going on on my compost bin 24/7.

These guys are drawn to any fruit that is edging toward the overripe stage, and the were all over my perfectly new grapes yesterday! If it’s brown, bruised, oozing, or soft, use it or get rid of it. Females like to lay their eggs (up to 500) in rotting fruit. So,when it’s fruit fly season… saving those bananas for baking may also mean fruit fly eggs/maggots/babies in your banana bread. Gross, but true. If you have a compost bin (bravo for you, but), keep it emptied and keep it spotlessly clean. Ours sits on the kitchen counter and has become the main brothel hang out for the flies that taunt me. When I walk into my kitchen, I can practically hear them calling to each other: “Hey baby!” “Looking for a good time?” It’s almost enough to force my hand on the compost issue altogether. Almost. I will not be brought down by tiny fornicators. For now I’ll just plan to leave the windows open from time to time, let the kitchen cool way down and hope they freeze their libidos off.

And now, the pièce de résistance (the most important or remarkable feature) you’ve all come here for, Barry White and fruit fly porn. Rated R: Mature audiences only for this video:

Still want to read more about fruit flies (really?), check out these sites:    Science in Society, Wikipedia/Drosophila, About.Com Insects (fruit fly trap), The Bug Squad-Pest Control (Very cool site)

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GIPYHelp Me Reach My Goals! I’d love to see the Tales From the Motherland Facebook page reach 800 likes in 2015. Have you stopped by to spread some fairy dust? Follow me on Twitter, LeBron James does! Most importantly, if you like a post I’ve written, hit Like and leave a comment. Honest, constructive feedback is always appreciated. Click Follow; you’ll get each new post delivered by email,  no spam.  ©2015  Please note, that all content and images on this site are copyrighted to Dawn Quyle Landau and Tales From the Motherland, unless specifically noted otherwise. If you want to share my work, please give proper

About Dawn Quyle Landau

Mother, Writer, treasure hunter, aging red head, and sushi lover. This is my view on life, "Straight up, with a twist––" because life is too short to be subtle! Featured blogger for Huffington Post, and followed on Twitter by LeBron James– for reasons beyond my comprehension.
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23 Responses to If You’re Fu@#ing All The Time, You Must Be A…

  1. jgroeber says:

    Yes, they are everywhere! And I would love to show you the glass with the rotten banana and tomato at the bottom and the plastic wrap across the top sitting on my counter this very minute. Next to the compost bowl. At which my eight-year-old son pointed out, “If they could have that great big bowl of rotting fruit and vegetables, why would they choose that glass with that little piece of rotten banana, Mom?” Apparently, eight-year-old boys are smarter than fruit flies. Darn.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hilarious! Yes, we are having issues with them lately, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    So far no fruit flies for us, but I know they’ll show their amorous heads soon! Last year we had great luck with apple vinegar fruit traps. We’ll be ready and waiting for them this time around. Mwahahaha.

    Like

  4. hahahha perfectly written. Those darn things drive me nuts, we will try the glas thing. Die monsters, Die!! hahaha

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow, that was enlightening. 🙂 I never thought about insects having sex, but I guess babies have to come from somewhere. Keep fighting the good fight. I’d rather have fruit flies than ants or some other nasties.
    -David

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Stacey says:

    Using the handheld accessory on the vacuum to suck them up can make a big dent in their population and be very satisfying (although anyone watching you will think you’ve gone mad!).

    Like

    • Whoa! That’s brilliant, but do they just fly back out? Or multiply in the vacuum? I am so trying this! Thanks for visiting Tales From the Motherland, Stacey; what a fun suggestion! I appreciate you taking the time. 😉

      Like

  7. Oh my, they really get on your nerves! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Mike Lince says:

    Clever and funny – and right on the mark. I got a kick out of your story. – Mike

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Gregg says:

    Dawn I like how you make something as annoying as fruit flies so humorous (and I can see you swatting at them in your kitchen). I checked out the blog because of the title and I ended up learning something too 🙂

    Like

  10. Hilarious, Dawn. Like everything else you write, this was thorough and informative. 😀

    Like

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