Warning: This post is about one of my children. Admittedly, I am not entirely objective when it comes to my kids; who is? Beware, there may be random acts of bragging, but this kid is pretty awesome, and I could not be prouder of what he’s been doing with his life. There, you were warned.
When our youngest son told us that he wasn’t interested in college tours, and needed a break from school, I wasn’t really surprised. He had been miserable in school for most of his four years of high school, and the idea of going straight to college was something he did not want to do. “I’d like to take a Gap year,” he told us, the summer before his senior year. In typical type-A personality mode, his father and I began researching Gap year programs that would allow him to have an adventure and do something that would look good on college applications. It never occurred to us that he really meant: I want to take a break, and not go to school for a while… And if it did occur to us, we were sure we could steer him in the “right direction.”
We were wrong, and letting our son figure some things out on his own, was exactly what he needed. It was also exactly what we needed.
My youngest child has always been on a different path than his siblings, both of whom were driven in school and were researching colleges long before senior year. They both researched details in Princeton Review, College Board, and other similar sights. They knew which schools were party schools, what the teacher to student ratios were, what academic and social life was like, at the various colleges and universities. They read lists of qualifications that had them both making their own lists: of schools to visit; which schools were a reach; which were “safe,” and a host of other details that eventually led to tours, and getting ready to leave for college. Their “baby brother” had not lists; he did not want any of that.
“A” struggled with ADHD throughout his grade school years. He was well liked by teachers and peers, for his sense of humor and sweet nature, but he definitely marched to his own beat. While teachers knew he was bright– it was not uncommon to have a teacher tell us: “he could teach this class as well as I can,” his issues with focus and test taking did not reflect those skills. He struggled to get assignments in; his grades were low at best, and he couldn’t seem to find a groove that allowed him feel successful and confident. He was the youngest in his graduation class, and often fell behind in social changes, that his peers were charging forward with. He had a small, but close group of friends, who had his back, but aside from his friends and long-distance running, school was tedious at best, and often a soul-sucking experience for him.
As parents, we felt constantly thwarted in our efforts to get our son what he needed, to be successful in school.
While testing showed that he had significant challenges with his ADHD, but he was “too smart” to qualify for help in reaching academic goals. All of this lead to a boy who was unhappy with in the school environment, and anxious to get out of it. Still, when he first showed no interest in doing college tours, during junior year, we assumed he’d come around later. However, after plenty of conflict and debate, I reached a place where I was able to set aside my own expectations for him, and listen to what he was saying. I could see that he was burned out, and that his self-esteem was low. This transition was a lot harder for my husband. We both went straight from high school to college, and then on to grad school– no breaks, or short cuts. My husband is driven and successful, and it was hard for him to accept our son’s insistence that he wasn’t ready for college. He worried that “A” would fall off track and not go back.
In the end, whether it was my prompting or my son’s, my husband and I were both able to support “A’s” decision to do what he wanted; we “let go.” We stepped back from asking him if he was getting assignments done; we stopped searching for programs that would be “right” for him; we let him lead the way, with less attachment to the outcome. It was a huge challenge at times, but exactly what our youngest needed.
As soon as we stepped back, he stepped up.
Just after high school graduation, the one Gap program he had applied to (despite our urging that he pursue several) fell through, and our son was faced with the disappointment and the consequences of those actions. Suddenly he had nothing else lined up, and all of his friends were leaving for school at the end of the summer. There were a rough few weeks, as reality set in and “A” realized that he had nothing planned, but he rose to the challenge. He got a job at the local grocery store, and surprised us all by enrolling in a class that interested him, at our local community college. A week later, he came home and told us that he’d picked up a couple more classes.
We were gobsmacked. The last thing we expected was to see him enroll in any class, let alone several– including two that would be “requirements for eventually transferring.” The more we stepped back, the more our son took on bigger challenges. By the time summer ended, he had signed up for a full course load, and was working 30 hours a week. He was hardly recognizable from the kid who only wanted to play video games and hated school, for the past few years. The management where he worked, really liked his upbeat personality, and appreciated his hard work, intelligence, and commitment. He came home from work feeling good about himself, and was putting away money. By the time school started in September, we were living with an entirely different child; he was motivated and invested in both work and school! He began expressing interest in seeing colleges, and by January was actively talking about a transfer. Still a procrastinator, he didn’t do as much about that as we thought he should, but we remained determined to maintain some distance and let him continue on a trajectory that was showing positive results. The more success he experienced during this unusual “Gap year,” the more invested our son became in his own future, and it was clearer and clearer that part of that, involved us staying in the background.
As his confidence grew, his interest in moving forward increased.
In summer 2015 I flew to New York to accept an award from BlogHer, as Voices of the Year, and then was flying on to Israel for the birth of my first grandchild, our eldest daughter’s first baby; I was going to be gone for five weeks. Because he hadn’t really invested in filling out transfer applications, I was anticipating that “A” would be attending the community college for another few months (at least), and would be might consider a transfer in the spring; anything sooner was entirely off my radar. I figured I’d have one of my chicks left in the nest for another year, along with two nephews who had moved in in the spring. “A” is easy to live with, and that was fine with me. He was doing very well in his freshman year of college, and living at home; all of this felt just fine. When he sent me an essay to edit (ironically, I have tutored high school seniors in college essay writing, for the past 9 years, but he had refused to let me read anything!), I agreed– assuming it was for spring.
The week before my grandson was born, my youngest child informed me that he’d been accepted to three colleges, and he would be starting his sophomore year of at the University of Denver, at the end of August. You could have blown me over with a straw! I knew he’d visited the school during a ski trip with his dad, but he’s seemed most interested in other schools. I knew nothing about University of Denver, and now my son was telling me that he would be living there, starting two weeks after I would return home!
Our son’s Gap year was not the Gap year that most people envision: he didn’t travel abroad, do a “mission” trip, or even leave his own backyard, but it was his Gap year, and he got exactly what he needed from it. He figured out his path; he did the research; filled out applications, had transcripts sent; set his own course, and followed through. He grew up a lot, and we learned to trust that he could do those things, without our “management skills.” Nearly nine months later, he is about to finish an incredibly successful year at an academically challenging university. His grades have been excellent; he has participated on University of Denver’s mock U.N. (and was even asked to mentor high school mock UN participants for three states); he’s gone to concerts and skiing with friends, without asking for money; he’s figured out his banking, personal care, and managed to keep all the balls in the air, while mom and dad watch and learn.
We have learned that one size does not fit all.
Each of our children had different needs, and different paths. What was best for us, or what was expected for us (back in the 80s!) is not what necessarily works today. We learned to let go and let our son experience his own success and failure. We will always provide a safety net; we love our kids and are here for them, but we had to learn these things through our son’s guidance. In the end, his Gap year did as much for us, as it did for him. As he prepares to return home for the summer, and then spend a semester abroad, we are confident that he can manage his own life. Our son took a Gap year, and we all grew and changed; that’s an investment worth making!
Has your child done a Gap Year? Are you/they thinking about it? Share your thoughts in the comment section; I’m listening!
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Well my son’s gap year in Israel turned into, as you know.. a full scale adoption of Orthodox Judaism and the rest that followed. He’s moving there in August. I think a gap year is a great thing though for me, I wish he’d have gone straight to college! ha ha … have to let your adult kids find their own paths, as painful as it is at times.
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THAT is as true as true can be, Lisa! As you know, my daughter did the same. 😉 It’s not all wine and roses, but it’s their paths! Thanks for taking the time.
An important message for those of us who have been fortunate enough to have children who dance to their own drum.
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Thanks Susan; yes, the dancing does come with drummers too! 😉
Phenomenal! I can feel you beaming. Back when my mother graduated from high school, it wasn’t uncommon for someone to take a post graduate year at a different (private) school. I have no idea if this is still a thing to do or not, as we’ve been involved in public schools. Having taken Little Man out of public school late this past winter, we’re still figuring out what “schooling” will look like. But being guided by a certified teacher, I’m not worried. It will definitely look different.
It was THE best decision for this boy, and he has rocked it! Just got home for the summer, and I’m impressed with the growth and change. I think you’ve done the best thing for your Little Man… we all just find our way, in the end!
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Yes, such a great story of parenting wisdom and love, Dawn. My son is only 12, and has just entered highschool (what you guys call middle school). We have to have a hands off approach to him, because he is so independent and so keen to do things his way. Sometimes he falls, and when he does, he picks himself up and works his way back up to the top. I am personally amazed at what he can achieve, because he is such a cool, casual customer! He has to learn things his own way, and I just have to let him. His father is absolutely fine with it 😊 his sister on the other hand…totally different!
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Each of my kids is enormously different from one another, and I can only hope that they feel we did what they needed… honestly, some days were harder than I liked, and I have been on such a steep learning curve, as I figure this parenting thing out! Thanks for sharing Sara; I learn so much from your wisdom and your loving way of doing this mother thing. 😉 xo
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Kids are amazing! While neither of our kids did a GAP year, I learned a valuable lesson in stepping back when our daughter missed a housing deadline to get into an on-campus apartment for her Junior year and was suddenly without a place to live. I stepped back and she stepped up . Not in the way I would have, but in a way that worked for her. Most importantly it taught us both that she can fix her own problems. Resilience is a mighty life lesson and the only way I have taught it to either of my kids is to let them find their own way. Not easy as a parent to do, but oh so important!
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It really has been one of THE biggest challenges, in parenting. That letting go thing, in life is hard enough, but with our kids it is a true challenge. But we learn as we go, as do our kids. Thanks for reading and sharing, Heidi; it is always appreciated!
What a great description of modern parenthood. Fab post!
Thanks so much, Susanne; I really appreciate the kind feedback.
I only have one kid, so I can’t observe the differences between siblings. I think that would be helpful, because I often wonder if I’m imposing too much of my will on my kid.
Great story, and great parenting.
I think that most of us (because there is a small, amazing group of parents who don’t) impose too much of our will on our kids. I believe that I did the best I could, at the time, with each of them–– a cliché, if I ever typed one, but true. That said, it seems that your Little Dude is doing mighty fine so far, as are my three. They will inevitably learn some lessons that don’t involve our will; that’s just the way of the world. But, you are a good mama and a kick ass writer. So, I appreciate the lovely feedback, and I’m tickled pink’ish that you stopped by! It’s been a good long spell. My heart just skipped a beat. Thanks Samara, xo.
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Thank you for this. Children 2 and 3 did gap years. It was valuable for both and Child 4, now a sophomore, will be strongly encouraged! Perhaps for 2 gap years, if he goes for it. Our son, #2, was young in his grade and very similar to your child described here. Kind, but with ADD off the charts, an autodidact, brilliant, could “teach the class,” but never turned in any work at all. He barely graduated and had to repeat classes despite getting 5s on 5 AP exams. He was happy to go on a year program to Israel, which he loved. Upon return, he started at a local university and lived at home. Couldn’t get traction then either. He dropped out, and like your son, he went to work full time at a grocery store. The best thing that ever happened. They loved him and he had to show up neat and clean and on time every day. (So, that in itself is an answer to those who say that gap years are costly and only for rich privileged — get a job at a supermarket!) The following year, he tried the local university again. Only NOW, he was ready to do the work. During Intermission at a play on my birthday in October, I knew things had changed when I saw him doing schoolwork in his seat. 4 years later (so 2 full years after his peers), he graduated from college magna cum laude with honors in computer science. He has a good job lined up in a nearby metropolitan area and will rent his own apartment. Now, he yells at his 15 year old brother to “do your *** homework!” Every child is different — no point in sending every kid down the same chute. No one should start university unless and until he or she can succeed. Without that 2 year delay, the whole thing would have been miserable for all and likely, been a disaster in the end. I listened to the advice of other mothers, including one whose kid still (at 30 ) hasn’t finished college, and one, a neuroscientist, who told me that male’s executive function isn’t fully developed until 24. Our son graduated at 23, one year ahead of that schedule!
Thanks SO much for this wonderful comment, for sharing your experiences, and for taking the time to read my work; it’s much appreciated! It’s wonderful that you have supported all of your kids, as they each find their own way. So true: they can’t all go down the same chute! Bravo to you mama, for raising successful kids, who found their own paths!