Recently I’ve found myself powerfully tuned in to the world around me. Colors are brighter (the foliage blows my mind daily!); music moves me more than usual; I notice people around me and see them with fresh eyes. There are lots of reasons, no doubt, but the experience does not need defining. So, for this week’s Middle I just want to say thank you for the things that I am fortunate to have. I just want to be in this moment and express some words of Gratitude.
I am grateful for the meaningful moments I have shared with my mother lately. Amidst all the gray and pain, those fleeting minutes have been sublime.
I am grateful for three healthy, intelligent, amazing kids, who I love more than anything. They make me lucky, even at the worst times… some of which they bring about… and shine in the best times, some of which they bring about. : )
I am grateful for two more kids who have brought a lot of smiles to our home in three months. China and Denmark were a smart decision.
I am grateful for my writing. When I’m writing, I feel a sense of purpose and excitement that is outside my role as caregiver, mother, wife… and that, is a true wonder. It is just mine.
I’m so grateful I finished my manuscript two weeks early and am finally doing something with it!
I am grateful to those of you who have stuck by me when I wasn’t sure about a lot of things. You have held me up and I love you for it. Thanks for not letting me fall too far, and being there when I stood back up. This has been the hardest year of my life and I could not have done it without some special friends and family who have supported me.
I am grateful for hot Tamales, Cheez Its, frozen Reeses, and Ritz with peanut butter, which are my snacks of choice when I’m not eating well.
I am grateful for Kool Koffee Creams, which I get each week.
I am so grateful for the wonderful food and treats that some of you have brought. Though I say “no, we’re fine,” thank you DM for not listening and calling multiple times. You know a faker when you see one.
I am grateful for the laughs. Thank you friends who have made me laugh. Thank you for those who have not expected me to make you laugh (lately). Thank for lots of laughs last Saturday night MBT.
I am grateful for the most beautiful fall I’ve seen in years. Truly. The colors have been electric! Each day as I go about my day (even when I don’t leave the house), the leaves grab me and remind me of how much I love these days. While this fall has felt symbolic of watching my mother change and leave me, I am that much more grateful for both this year.
I am grateful to my sweet dog Luke, who greets me each morning with a Downward Facing Dog.
I am grateful for EF who is a rock and who I trust more than almost anyone else. I’m grateful to have that in my life.
I am so grateful to my friends. Many of you have called me regularly and dragged me out of my self-imposed reclusiveness. To be clear here, the writing was the main reason for it, but I can’t deny that facing each day with my Mom’s situation right now, makes me feel vulnerable and raw. Some days, as I drive away from my house I feel naked and want to run home. Anxiety rises as I reach the Middle School and consider turning back, again. I am grateful to my friends who have dragged, called and hugged me, on a regular basis.
I am grateful for Hospice and for the incredible nurses at Shuksan Healthcare, who have loved my Mom and cared so well for her. I am lucky to have that support and back up.
I am grateful for Amy Robbinson at 3 Oms Yoga. She is an adventurous, playful soul who has my back, literally and figuratively. I am grateful that when she comes to put her hands on me, I feel complete trust and love. I feel supported and nurtured. I don’t feel that I have to give anything in return, but she gives anyway. I am so grateful for the beautiful space that she and Melissa have created and I am grateful to see her each week that I go there.
I am grateful to my grandmother who taught me to make pumpkin chiffon pie and showed me that women can be strong outside their roles as mothers and wives.
I am grateful of the moments when my Mom is lucid and says things I need to hear. It is so meaningful that she has been able to share her thoughts, even if it’s been brief and rare. I am grateful for the moments when we can see that she is still in there.
I grateful for honesty.
I am grateful for Eddie Vedder; Peter Gabriel, Adele, Kansas, Fleetwood Mac, Crowded House, Arcade Fire, Eddie Vedder (again and again), Radiohead, The Talking Heads, and so many others. My days would be harder without my music. Any day.
I am grateful to the many people who have been reading this blog and have shared their thoughts, complimented the writing, encouraged me to keep doing it, who have gotten something from it.
I am grateful.