The Middle… The U.N. Ab Work Out

Note to new readers:  Our family took in two foreign exchange students this year. Denmark is a 17 yr old girl. China is a 16 yr old boy. The U.S. is our 15 yr old son (Little Man). Israel, when home, is our 22 yr old daughter (Principessa), and Canada our 19 yr old son (Middle Man). I am the Secretary General. Together, we are the U.N.: a home where laughs come daily, chaos reigns and borders fall easily, as we live like a real family.

Note to all readers:  This post crosses some lines. This writer acknowledges that up front. So, if you don’t like potty talk, or outrageous silliness, stop reading now. Know that no foreigners were hurt in the making of this blog post or in the incidents cited. All parties do have sore abs from excessive laughter, but no hurt feelings or bruised egos. There was some pleading to not post some of this content, but I claim artistic license to all events that happen within the U.N.  All nations know that if they don’t want it posted, don’t say it.

To say that hilarity and “you can’t make this stuff up” moments have been of National focus lately, would be a gross understatement. While there are definitely moments of normal familial frustrations and plenty of communication snafus, humor and belly laughs are a daily event when the U.N. is in session. No subject is off limits, it would seem.

<— It is not a cliché that China loves rice.  The rest of the U.N is not as enthralled, seven months in.

It is widely understood and widely repeated, by China, that China loves rice. There is little doubt that when China returns to China, Denmark, the U.S., the Secretary General and Smart Guy will eat a lot less rice; but for now, each time the Secretary General cooks rice (too many times per week, frankly) China floats (it truly appears that way) into the kitchen and utters the same phrase each time:  “Ahhh rice!  It smells sooo good. Don’t you love rice?”  No matter how many times the rest of us tell China that plain white rice seems pretty bland to us, this answer shocks him. “Oh! How can you say this!”  Other nations will be happy to eat less rice, when China returns to China.

Upon serving wild rice for dinner (in an attempt to alter above rice patterns), China noted at the table that this was not the rice he is accustomed to. This fed into a discussion about diabetes (biology class) and the glycemic index of white rice, in relation to rising incidents to diabetes in China (the country). A “colorful” discussion between all nations ensued regarding the benefits of white rice vs brown rice vs wild rice.  Denmark had not tried wild rice until she moved to the U.S. (country) and prefers it to brown or white rice. The U.S. prefers white rice, but doesn’t love any of them; he prefers pilaf. Smart Guy stated that he doesn’t really like White Rice, whereupon U.S. accused him of being a Ricist.  The timing was excellent and all nations agreed on what was funny, even if tastes in rice differ broadly.

China continues to use “never mind” as a means to erase things said, or exit discussions, despite arguments by all nations that this tactic doesn’t work. China remains firm in his position.  Never mind.

In one riotous night of television watching this week, many things were learned and many issues covered. This all resulted in what Denmark and The Secretary General now refer to as the U.N Ab Work Out… Laughing that hard, can cause all kinds of results.

<– Beavus and Butthead China, L and U.S, R watching TV

While watching the Amazing Race, one contestant had a tank top that did not cover her prodigious breasts very well. The task that they were completing was to stack watermelons.  Readers can imagine where this might have gone.  China got things rolling. “Oh wow. Can you see where the watermelons are and where the…”  What China? (Secretary General asked for clarification) “What? Oh, do you see her… oh, never mind.”  The U.S. finding China’s comments funny, proceeded to repeat them, but when he got to the word breasts, paused and said, “You know.”  The U.S. is known for some Puritan values and refuses to address certain issues directly.  Denmark intervened immediately, demonstrating the progressive values of Scandinavian countries, in general, versus China and the U.S.  “If you’re going to talk about it, at least use the words. They’re breasts. There’s nothing wrong with saying that.”  To which the U.S. stated loudly and firmly, “Whatever.”  “No, they are breasts!  You should be able to say the word,” Denmark argued.  At which point China chimed in “Oh! Um! Nevermind!”  The Secretary General intervened: You both are old enough that you should be able to have a conversation and refer to body parts by their correct names. They’re breasts, breasts. You can say breasts. “Exactly!” Denmark confidently agreed. “Stop it!” both China and the U.S. shouted, China now disappearing beneath a blanket. “Breasts! Breasts! Breasts!” Denmark cried in defiance. Penis!  Secretary General risked. “Yeah, Penis!”  “Breast, penis, VAGINA!”   Denmark and the Secretary General yelled in unison.  At this point Beavus and Butthead U.S. and China were both mortified and covering their ears, but all nations were laughing.  Never mind.

The Amazing Race had to be paused to regain composure on the floor.  I’m really glad there’s another female in this house, Secretary General stated to Denmark. China and the U.S. rolled their eyes as high fives were exchanged between Sec. Gen. and Denmark.

China went to bed early after all this trauma, no doubt trying to forget the foibles of other nations.  Just as calm had been restored however, the U.S. dove back in. “I hit my wenus.”  What did you just say?  Frankly, the Secretary General was convinced that the U.S. was just being provocative, given previous body part negotiations. “I hit my wenus,” U.S. stated seriously, as he rubbed his elbow. What are you talking about? There’s no such thing as a wenus!  Denmark had begun giggling again. “Yes there is! It’s the skin on your elbow, I learned it in like 2nd grade!”  That’s not real! I hope you don’t go around using that term; people will think you’re saying penis. (Secretary admits to some concerns regarding U.S. peers and how the U.S. is viewed globally.)  “No, it’s real! Everyone knows about the wenus; guys say it all the time.” (Ok, so you know you’re going to go ask your sons/brothers/husbands about this!) You do know that the only reason someone would call it that is because the elbow has loose skin like a penis; it’s a made up word to say that your elbow looks like a penis. The absolute horror of this settled on the U.S’. face, as Secretary Stated it, between gasps and snorts of laughter. “No, it’s a real body part! I’m going to show you!”  Of course U.S. was referring to documentation, but discussions had dissolved into complete mayhem by this point and neither Denmark nor the Secretary General could control themselves, let alone sit up straight.  Issues of abdominal pain, bladder control, snorting, inability to breath well were experienced by either country in varying degrees. The human body was in full force, verbally and physically.  Smart Guy arrived on the chaotic scene and promptly confirmed that wenus was not a body part that he’d ever studied in anatomy, promptly doubling over in laughter as well.   The U.S. fervorantly argued that this term was legitimate, and ran upstairs to engage Google, the means by which all things are ultimately decided at the U.N.  At this exact moment, China came storming out of his room in his long underwear, and said loudly “I can’t sleep with all this laughing! Denmark is so loud!”  He glared at all of us.  The Secretary General said “Hey China, we can see your wenus!”  China pulled his shirt down to cover himself, while Denmark, Smart Guy, and the Secretary General proceeded to dissolve in raucous laughter.  Clearly the wenus/wenis/weenus is lost in translation. The U.S. came bounding down the stairs:  “Look! Come look! I told you the wenis was real!”  China looked totally dismayed, told us all to be quiet and went back to bed!  We will not get into camel toes or gunts here. NEVER MIND!

At dinner last night China stated that he “hates the way Denmark laughs.”  China is not known for tact or Diplomacy.  It should be noted that Denmark does (in fact) tend to speak and laugh quite somewhat loudly. “Denmark’s laugh is like giant waves!” As an example, China noted that the other night, when the above incident occurred, he was drifting off to sleep and each time he was jolted awake by another wave of laughter. The demonstration of Denmark’s laugh and how he snapped in and out of sleep was worthy of more laughing, which is not advised while eating. Smart Guy was then prompted to launch into a semi-medical explanation of how food and liquids can come out of your tear ducts or nose, if you laugh and inhale food or liquid. All decorum was lost again and there is some concern as to whether China and Denmark are getting a proper U.S. experience.

For the record:  read this link for more information on the Wenis.  This Image is from The U.S. may have been right about the existence of the wenis, and the fact that many people (just Google this baby) know about it, but look at this (<—); the Secretary General stands by her assertion that it got its name for a reason… I’m just saying. And yes, ewww.


Body parts, potty humor and questionable photos aside, the U.N. is well and laughing. Denmark announced today that she returns to Denmark in 100 days. That put a stop to the laughs.

Please consider checking out the Tales from the Motherland Facebook page and hitting Like page for it.  My goal is 100, in time for my 20,000 hit… coming up soon. I will donate one item of clothing, or one book, for each Like! (See previous post for meaning.)

Stop! Really. Read this.  Please note:  Check out the Facebook page: Please take a moment and like the new Facebook page (the page, not just a post). If you enjoy these posts hit “Like” and make me smile. It also helps my blog grow and that is the point. Go back and hit Like.  Thanks. Then, be a good dooby and “Share” them with others; it’s nice to share. Better yet Like them; Share them and then do something nice for yourself: “Subscribe.” You won’t get any spam, you can sign up with an anonymous name (I won’t know who you are, unless you tell me),  and you will get an email each time I post.  Think of it as a free gift to yourself.  You know you want to. Go ahead, make my day (sorry about the gun, but this is serious business).

About Dawn Quyle Landau

Mother, Writer, treasure hunter, aging red head, and sushi lover. This is my view on life, "Straight up, with a twist––" because life is too short to be subtle! Featured blogger for Huffington Post, and followed on Twitter by LeBron James– for reasons beyond my comprehension.
This entry was posted in Blogging, Daily Observations, Foreign exchange students, High School, Humor, Life, Musings, Parenting, Sarcasm, Teens, The U.N., Writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to The Middle… The U.N. Ab Work Out

  1. foodgal1 says:

    OK, that was hysterical. You had me crying as well. I could just hear Smartguy’s squeak/snort/breathe thing he does. And that picture of the “wenis”….just eeuw.


  2. jillcoburnmay says:

    Ahahaahaha (Beavis laughing). You weanis.


  3. my4daughters says:

    It’s not often I laugh out loud, but this post had me going. You described the scene wonderfully! Thank you for sharing with us.


  4. Chingoo says:

    I can’t believe you posted your weenus for the world to see!


    • In all fairness, I did say that it was from another website; I would never show mine! At my age it’s not a pretty site, but it’s not nearly as hairy as that one! Thanks for reading Chingoo and check in for more posts. 🙂


  5. Hilarious! I love the Beavis and Butthead reference, too. It felt as if I was a fly on the wall in your house! 🙂


  6. doug says:

    We will not get into camel toes or gunts here. I know what the first one is but not the second. I can`t even write them never mind say them. Maybe I will have to google it. Should I be afraid?



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