If You Visit My House, And I Offer You Cheez Its… Pass

This is a brief, and I mean brief, detour from the current series of blog posts on our trip to Peru. I’ve missed writing about other things, and frankly the universe has been so busy f—ing me royally, that I decided to call her out.

Suffice it to say that things have been less than great since my return from Peru. I’ll spare you the gory details of daily my shit storm and the inner workings of my dark mind. It’s just been tough. And since our return, I’ve found myself surprisingly frustrated by the lack of physical challenge that I had every single day in Peru. Apparently I flourish with a tour guide there to wake me early, push me to keep going and drive me around to the places I will be doing said activities. Having cooks to prepare the food I need doesn’t hurt either. Maybe I’m more of a princess than I realized? Anyway, being home I’ve found myself much more sedentary again and in addition to watching the 7 lbs I lost in Peru  creep back on, I just feel blah.

Daily conflict with my college and post college age kids contributes to the dark place I’m dwelling. And the universe: the bitch just keeps tossing stuff in my face and challenging me to shit or get off the pot. My iPod which has about 3,000 tracks, mysteriously keeps shuffling to The Secret, a new age-“let the universe show you the way”-embrace change- kind of audio book that I downloaded several years ago. And while I generally hit skip right away, twice recently I’ve listened to the annoying Austrailian author, Rhonda Bynes, make her point… And had to concur that she had one. A point. None the less, why is this series of lectures suddenly popping up on my shuffle (a theoretically random selector!), when it generally only happens 2-3x a year? The Universe… messing with me… royally.

So, this morning, nursing some pulled muscles and feeling like I deserved to lick my wounds and something crunchy/salty, I pulled out my Costco size bag of Cheez Its. I haven’t eaten them in ages and I felt it was just the right poison for what ails me right now. It should be noted that when I stripped my bed this morning, there were 2 chocolate stains, some popcorn crumbs and an unknown grease finger print. Admittedly, sedentary days are not my only problem in the weight department. Still, I wanted those Cheez Its. I deserved them. So I opened the mega bag, set them on the counter to get a bowl, and voila! That stupid bag was pushed off the counter by none other than…

Screw you universe! I eat food off the floor all the time…

What the hell could the Universe possibly intend? What’s her point? I’m fat? I shouldn’t drown my issues in food? I should go for another walk? What?! This much I know, I picked those damned crackers up (eating a few directly off the floor) and put them back in the bag. I made every effort to remove any dog hairs, but if you visit my house in the next couple of weeks, and I offer you Cheez Its, I’d pass.

About Dawn Quyle Landau

Mother, Writer, treasure hunter, aging red head, and sushi lover. This is my view on life, "Straight up, with a twist––" because life is too short to be subtle! Featured blogger for Huffington Post, and followed on Twitter by LeBron James– for reasons beyond my comprehension.
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16 Responses to If You Visit My House, And I Offer You Cheez Its… Pass

  1. It could be worse, my friend. The Universe could be sending you dead squirrels, like it does me. I’ll take a floor-flavored Cheez It any day of the week over a squished rabid rodent.


    Feel better. And you know what? There’s always the 2-second rule in our house. And if we translate that to dog years, I’m sure the Cheez Its (Cheez Them?) are just fine…


    • Well, I left it out of the post… but thought of you… I did get a dead squirrel in my path this week too! I think all your shit has run down to my end of the world, now that you’re floating on a love cloud! Squirrels, spilt Cheez Its, and stuff I won’t print… Life is a barrel of fun right now. Thanks for making me smile anyway friend. 🙂


    • kkprivateblog says:

      The funks that come after a great vacation are the worst…but remember what you said to me about using the good days/times as deposits? That is awesome advice.


  2. It’s always a bit anti-climatic returning from vacay; hopefully all will settle down soon enough.


  3. Rebecca K. says:

    No shame in a little Cheez-flavored cracker binge. Except when there is. Heh.

    In iTunes you can set you the audiobook to not play during shuffle! Go to the file, right click (on pc) and select “get info”, click the “options” tab, then select “skip when shuffling”–just a friendly tech tip!

    Hope you’re on the mend!


  4. pinkagendist says:

    Every time I start one of these monologues Mike says: “What if you had been born in the Sudan?”… I know, it’s totally unhelpful. In regards to diet, have you tried the vodka & strawberry diet? You kill three blurry birds with one stone 😀


  5. Sounds like someone needs a trip to TK’s. Will we see you there this weekend? Or anytime in the near future? I am back in Mass and loving being here. Hope to see you soon friend.


    • I do, I do! So incredibly bummed that I’ll miss you all this weekend friend. Not going to work out, and not likely until next summer. After all your happy posts from NH, hard to imagine you back in MA, but thrilled for you! Hope to see you soon too K. 🙂


  6. Josh Webber says:

    If there’s something that’s troubling you, some ill-fortune or pain, and there’s something you can do about it, you have no need to feel worried or upset. If there is nothing you can do about it, you have no need to feel worried or upset.


  7. Sorry to hear that re-entry has sucked. I can just imagine how it was when that bag hit the floor… sort of how it was the other day when my kid knocked over a 32 oz water bottle that was full. I wouldn’t have minded it too much, except that the floor was an ungodly mess of crumbs, bits of that and that from the past few days (my kid can’t eat without half of his meal ending up on the floor- and he’s 9), and I was planning to sweep all the crud up. Having all that crud soaked in water was not fun to deal with.

    I hope things settle out for you in the next few weeks. We fly to New England next week for a brief visit.


    • Oh! I recall those days well… And while I’d love to tell you that it does get better, it seems to me that just as much food and crap ends up on the floor now, as it did when my kids were little. Ugh. I hear you! That bag of Cheez Its, which I’m trying not to eat now, as I get back onto a healthier diet… is probably filled with dog hairs and stuff that is not meant for consumption… hence the Pass. 😉 Hang in there Mariner, it does get better?



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