Damn you Facebook! There I said it; and I mean it. Damn you.
It’s not bad enough that I am turning fifty (that looks better than the numbers) January 9th, but Facebook went and told everyone that my birthday was today, the 8th. As the date has creeped up on me… say, over the past 40 years… I thought it wouldn’t matter. Just a number, I’ve blithely said on more than one occasion. I teased Smart Guy, when he had a fairly impressive mid-life crisis, upon reaching his 50th, two years ago. You’re so silly, I told him. I thought I was above all of this fiftieth birthday anxiety stuff. I’m not.
Right around Christmas, I suddenly realized that the end was nigh. My forties were gone. Poof! No book published; chin beginning to sag; eye drooping; knee surgery; and no book published. That’s the biggie. I saw two weeks of my forties left and my heart started to race a little. My hot flashes got a little hotter. Coincidentally, I had to renew my license (they don’t actually require it upon reaching AARP status, it was just time)… And my new picture looked much older. Never mind that it is in fact ten years older than the last one—it looks it!
Fillers! Fillers! I screamed! Botox! Get me Botox! I wailed. Rio! I’m going to Rio… they know how to do anything there! I searched Kayak in earnest for deals. There were none. In my magnifying mirror— necessary for the failing eyes, but less and less appealing visually— I pulled my chin back, and looked for my 30, 40 year old self. She was holding on by a thread… if the chin was pulled tight enough.
All of this is bad enough. All of this is enough to make a pulse race and fill my dreams with falling elevators, dense forests, and spilled ice cream (don’t ask)… but then Facebook
sucks had to go and make it worse. Somehow one person got my birthday wrong. They posted a Happy Birthday message today, on the 8th, because of a misguided Facebook sucks prompt, no doubt, and everyone else got a newsfeed item that implied it was my birthday, and… It’s not! As it does in the world of Facebook sucks, however, things snowballed, and day-early-birthday-greetings rolled in. I am still 49 as I write this. Forty-nine (the hyphen looks worse)! Damn you Facebook sucks!
Admittedly, I won’t mind them blasting my birthday news to everyone, tomorrow—or, today, as you read this— But they went and blew out my candles, before I was officially ready for the cake. I wanted one last day of pre-AARP’ness. I had my last 40’s haircut today; I was in my forties all day… until Facebook
sucks, with it’s busybody, misinformed, blabber mouthing ways, went poking everyone with stuff that isn’t their business… until the 9th.
For the record, I was born on January 9, 1963. I had my first baby portrait taken the day Kennedy was assassinated; my Mom heard the news in a department store. I got married when I was 24, which seemed old at the time. I had my first baby at 27. She’ll be 23 next month—way too young to meet someone and get married! I had my last baby when I was 33. That seemed old to be having a baby, but it wasn’t. When I turned 40, I vowed to write a novel and get it published. I read that Maya Angelou published her first novel when she was 40. I had no expectations of being anything close to the amazing Ms. Angelou in talent or success, but her story gave me hope. Here it is, the eve of my 50th birthday and I need to find a new inspiration. If you know one, share it in the comments. I was busy PTSA’ing, baking, carpooling and saying I wanted to write, in much of my 40s, and I’ve been
too scared looking at options since.
So Facebook, you suck! I had one more night to still be in my 40s, and think I might do it. Or, not feel like I’m in my 50’s and haven’t done it. My birthday is tomorrow, and after waiting 50 years for it, I think a certain social media mega-jerk, could have waited 12 more hours before blabbing it all over. Just because they’re in every country of the world, and it’s technically my birthday lots of other places, doesn’t mean my friends needed to hear about it a day early.
I’m going upstairs to put candles on the amazing chocolate cake, that a friend baked and delivered to me tonight (not because of FB
sucks, but because she wanted me to have it early). I’m going to blow those candles out, myself, thank you. Just because Facebook (who sucks) blew out my cyber candles a day early, doesn’t mean I have to play along!
I’ll sink this low: If you want to wish me a happy birthday: hit Like. If you think this was funny: hit Like. If you think Facebook sucks too: hit Like. Or, just hit Like because I’m 50 and I deserve to be humored. And for icing on the cake: stop by the TFTM Facebook page, and hit Like. Like, like, like!
Final, final note: When I went upstairs to put candles on MY birthday cake… Little Man had cut a big, fat slice and had eaten it. He “forgot” it was my birthday cake. Seriously folks! There is no respect for seniors, or mothers, in this society. Hit Like if you agree.