You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. In fact, it seems you are on my mind all the time, given that one of the three of you, or all three at once, pop into my thoughts at least once each day. Admittedly, once would be a slow day. This past week, the first time ever that you are all away for an extended amount of time — each in a different country, to be specific— dad and I did all kinds of things that we would have done with you, if you were here. And you popped into my mind, over and over each day. It was so strange to not have you there, and yet, dad and I got a brief glimpse of what it will be like when we will soon be home without any of you here.
Principessa would love this place, I found myself thinking. Or, Middle Man would be so tempted to jump over that log, and see if he could balance on that rock. He’s so daring. When we went kayaking and there were seals swimming around us, I knew that Little Man would be so excited. You all would love the hikes, through old growth woods; you’d appreciate the eagles, seals and beaver we saw; you would love jumping in the cold, salty water with us, and swimming out to the giant rock. I’m so glad you’re people who love to be in the wilderness. I always think of you there. A given song on the radio; a food ordered at a restaurant; the view of the water through the forest; the meteors as we watched the Persieds two different nights, from the waters edge (remember all the nights we slept on our deck, oohing and ahhing as the “shooting stars” sped past us? There’s a satellite, one of you always said)… so many things made me think of each of you. Every day.
And that thought really got in my head. I have been a mother now for four years less than I was without you, but you three are such a part of me, that I can’t imagine me, without you anymore. Of course, I have my own identity, and I don’t see myself as only a mother (believe it or not); but, being your mother touches every part of who I am now. I tried to imagine a day when one of you wont enter my thoughts, let alone all three of you, and I couldn’t envision it. Thoughts of you are like breaths I take, effortless and natural. Your faces are in my head, and I see you when I do the things that are part of any given day. And I smile. Or think. Or wonder. Or miss.
I wonder how you are, and what you are doing. I wonder if you are glancing up at the sky, as I am— even though I know that each of you is looking at a night sky, when I look at the sun, and sun when I study the stars. I wonder if you are happy with your lives, and excited for the many adventures ahead of you? I think about the things we’ve done together, and the things I still want to do. I think about the ways I fell short as a mother, and the ways I shined. Both come to mind a lot lately, as each of you sets out in the world and my time to parent you has become more limited. I miss the times when we went to amazing places together; the time you surprised me, blind folded me, and took me to Deception Pass for Mother’s Day (one of my favorite places); skiing, camping, and hiking together; the dinners, and pancakes, and movies with popcorn. I still think of the day each of you was born, with crystal clarity, and a spontaneity that catches me off guard sometimes. I smile, and catch my breath, at the passing of time. I miss each of you. Who you were, who you are now. I miss you.
So this week I was really thinking about how much I think of you all, and what that says about me, about us as a family, about being a mother. I don’t imagine that you think of me nearly as much, but I’m ok with that. I didn’t think about my mother either. I didn’t even wonder if my Mom was thinking about me, most of the time. Nor did I imagine that some day I would think as much about any one, as I do about you guys. Maybe when you’ve each been gone long enough I’ll have gaps in my thoughts. Maybe a day might go by, and my thoughts wont land on one of you, and the next day I’ll find myself thinking “Oh, I wonder how Principessa, or Middle Man, or Little Man is.” Maybe.
But today, I wanted each of you to know that I love you. I miss you. I’m thinking of you.
Note: This post is part of The Daily Post; the prompt is: An Open Letter. Check out others here, at The Daily Post.