TALES FROM THE MOTHERLAND

Everyone picks a side… and roots for whoever they think will win.

Note:   If you are not a blogger, skip this post. It will mean very little to you, and you don’t need the drama or the doodoo that has come from all of this. I’m serious. Just move on, and I’ll post something for everyone, later. Even if you are a blogger, some of this may be a mystery. I won’t help you there. I won’t put links to other posts regarding this, and I won’t use full names or tags to the players. I will share one link only.  This entire post started out as a response to a post by the blogger El Guapo (his blog is “Guapola,” and that was the one link to other bloggers). I assume by his name he is very handsome. I haven’t seen his picture. I have crossed paths with him in comments, and have read his posts, and he seems to be an honorable guy, who speaks his mind. I like that. Dudes and gals alike seem to love him, including several bloggers who I count as friends. I like that. Anyway, I read his post last night and started writing a comment… something I haven’t done throughout this entire melee, because I felt overwhelmed by it all. And I thought I should just stay out of it. Later, I may read that last sentence and wish I had.

The Intro:      I’ve sat back all week dumbstruck by what has been going on in my corner of Blogland. It’s all been so surreal, that it’s given me nightmares, and that’s saying something. (Perhaps that I need to work on some issues…) It’s clear, however, from reading way too many comments and links, and story after story about the demise of a giant among bloggers, that maybe we haven’t grown up as much as we want to believe we have. I’ve read several comments that refer to all of this as “high school.” Well, this has been meaner and harder than my high school, though I do see the comparison. I also haven’t commented because I’ve found myself scared. Worried that I would offend folks who I think of as friends, and they will turn on me…

Hmm. That in itself is a problem. In real life, I don’t have friends who I think will turn on me.  And therein lies the crux of the issue. This is not the real world. It may be a microcosm of the real world, but it’s skewed in all sorts of positive and negative ways. This is online dating. Which implies that some of us will in fact like other bloggers, get to know them and then maybe become real friends. I have met 3 bloggers in person, and consider each of them friends. I don’t question their integrity or their connection go me. I don’t worry about whether voicing my opinion on this matter will alienate them. I have written privately to others, who I consider friends, and I hope those ties are real. Honestly, this ugly mess had made me much less sure of lots of things, and people I know only on-line. But this is not the real world for most of us. It is a place where most of us come to fill a personal agenda: become a writer, build a platform, gain a following as a comedian, a photographer, artist or healer. I’ve seen it all. We hope to have our work noticed, and if you are like me as a blogger, you are grateful for any visitors, comments, likes or recognition.

When a really “Big Blogger” notices you it feels good. Ok, I’ll speak for myself: when a really big blogger notices me, it feels good. I am writing to become a published writer. I want to get noticed. I want to be liked. I want my work read; otherwise I’d keep a journal and be clear of this. Perhaps that makes me vulnerable to being star struck or misinterpreting  cues, but my intentions are honest and my personal goal is clear. As a person and as a writer, I believe strongly in “Do No Harm.” I don’t think I’ve ever written a  post that was intended to mock others, or hurt anyone. If anything, I am extremely self-deprecating. I appreciate my readers enormously and I answer each and every comment, because I’m honored that they took the time to read and comment.

Because of my own insecurities, I’ve also had plenty of inner conflict with the blogging community. I’ve had trouble believing praise, or knowing when other bloggers are sincere. When someone calls me a “friend” in a response to a comment, or elsewhere, I struggle with it… because I’m not always sure what they mean by that. That desire to be noticed is a powerful tug, and when others give praise, it’s hard not to want to ride the high for a while… make that a Big Blogger giving praise and it can be nothing short of intoxicating. And that’s where my confusion was most amplified. That high was bigger, and the desire to get more was bigger.  Notice me! Include Me!  Put me in your video! Add a link to my blog! Share your sparkle with me! Shine the light over here!  I’ve felt all of those things and sought to be part of the waves I’ve seen around me. But, I was often left feeling rejected and needy when the attention waned. Again, my stuff; I’m not putting that on anyone else. But it’s relevant to my personal experience.

When this big playground fight started, and it really started with the Nicki squabble, I didn’t really get it. Again, I believe in Do No Harm. I was not avoiding it, to stay out of the fray or to avoid offending anyone. Anyone who knows me in real life, knows that I will stand up and call foul in the most serious of conflicts. I just didn’t see it for where it was going. I was dealing with my own shit. I’d just come out of the hospital and was really sick (still working on that). I saw the Facebook post about it on ACOF’s page and followed some of the comments. There were some good ones at first. It seemed like a reasonable conversation about what kind of posts are hurtful, or how what we put out there plays out. Nicki’s post had gone viral and it was being discussed everywhere. I was way behind in reading posts, and hadn’t seen hers until the FB discussion, where there was a link to her post. I read it, didn’t particularly like it and moved on. I liked other things she’d posted, and had supported those posts in comments, but I hadn’t jumped on the fast-moving train that Le Clown asked us to ride to Nicki’s blog. I like to get to know a blog before I follow it. He and I did not agree on that. But it’s a choice; each of us has the option to read more or move on. When I saw the FB “discussion” going south, I left. It wasn’t mean (yet), but I was not up for that stuff, and again… if you’re not liking it, leave. The next day it was all gone, and I was told by another blogger that things had gotten “ugly;” that Eric was attacking Nicki and Nicki was attacking Eric. Playground fight! Everyone seemed to be picking sides and running to one side of the court or the other.  I was busy and missed that too.

And then… it got very quiet. I noticed that certain bloggers who post often were not posting.  There were some isolated references to things that I didn’t understand, in comment sections and on-line. And still, I remained clueless; didn’t get it or see it coming. I was out of the loop… that kid I was in high school and apparently in Blogland too: who is friends with kids in each group, but isn’t in the popular crowd and isn’t in the totally neglected crowd… and so, is often out of the loop. I would have stayed out if I hadn’t asked another blogger what the hell he was referring to, in a round-about comment chain. That blogger sent me the link to Calamity (wow, doesn’t that sentence seem prophetic?) and down the Rabbit Hole I fell… along with so many other bloggers.

By the time I came to it all, comments were closed, bloggers were shutting down their blogs, people were truly freaking out. It felt like I had fallen into the stock market crash of blogging. Bloggers were going into seclusion, jumping out of windows, expressing extreme anxiety, depression, and shock. It is shocking, all of it. Again, when a Big Blogger is in the spotlight, everyone wants a piece of it. When that blogger crashes, people run to one side or the other very fast!  One week later, last night, I ended up at Gaupo’s (That too, could be an interesting lead in…) blog… last night I ended up at Guapo’s blog. And then I got reading the comments, which (no offense your handsomeness) were far more extensive and compelling than the post. And then… I finally decided to weigh in. But, all this digesting had left me with a lot of thoughts and confusion about a place (the Blogosphere) that feels very changed and foreign to me suddenly. As I wrote my comment, it just got longer and longer, and I realized it wasn’t right to put it there. And so, my comment became a post… as has this “Intro.” No doubt, Guapo (if he read this) is feeling relieved by that. The length, I believe is because I’ve worried about getting it right.  As a rule, I generally write without filters and try not to think about who will read my post/story/ work. It’s critical to my process. If I think too much about my kids, the person at the store, other bloggers, then I change my voice.  This one: the response, and the blog that has now become, has been exactly the opposite! I want to be careful about much of what I say; I’ve worried about how it will come off to various bloggers I like and respect. I don’t like that feeling… However, as I typed my response on Guapola’s post.

Here is my comment:

I’ve been part of the LC show for a long time. When Eric mentioned to me that big things were coming down, I figured it was another big ACOF post. Then he pulled his blog. Everything associated with LC was taken down, with nothing but a brief farewell– a brief thanks to those who contributed, and a vague apology to those who might have been hurt. I was utterly confused, and figured THAT was it; that was the big stuff coming down. Frankly, I couldn’t imagine anything bigger in the blogging community, than LC pulling his own plug.  I sat stunned for nearly a week, until that other blogger sent me to the Calamity post. Since first reading that and the others that followed, I’ve had 3 other bloggers contact me privately to ask if I knew, because I’ve been so quiet. I was grateful to each of them for reaching out, and wonderfully surprised that I’d crossed their minds.

Honestly, I’ve been so quiet because I’ve felt totally shocked by all of this, and paralyzed. For me, it comes down to this: I always felt like there were 2 people, Le Clown and Eric. When Eric wrote his more personal posts, I connected deeply to his vulnerability and the very difficult things that he’d experienced. Some of it was heartbreaking.  His writing was beautiful, and I liked that real side of him. When I dealt with LC and the big top, I often felt out of my league and a bit intimidated…. and I said that openly, numerous times. Nothing I’m saying here, isn’t something I said openly before.

I had a very rough exchange with E recently and kept it to myself, aside from 2 other bloggers who I confided to, for help in resolving the situation. It was awful. But some of what he said to me was true: none of us “owe anyone an explanation of who we do or don’t support. We all have the right to put what we want on our own blogs.”  I was hurt, in the context of our conversation, and what I thought was a friendship, but I licked my wounds and decided it was a reality check. We are not family, here, and I figured I’d misread the friendship boundaries between him and I.  My conflict with him was brief, but I can’t sugar coat it; I felt intimidated and worried that it might negatively impact my blog and my readership. His anger and or disappointment is impressive. I’ve chosen not to share personal details, or the names of those who supported me because I still feel anxious about it, and because it was my issue, not other’s.

I was equally surprised when just a few weeks later, I was invited to his New Year’s video. That is the duality of LC… he was very giving and helped a lot of bloggers; he supported those he believed in and by many accounts, without the manipulation or abuse that others have shared.  And he could be the extreme opposite when he took issue with you. I never liked that feeling of guessing where I stood, but I won’t now deny that I appreciated when I was included, and my blog had a brief moment in the big top spot light. I own that duality: I was grateful for being included… and I was out of my element. I said it then, and now.  Nothing I feel compelled to add to this current situation, is different from what I expressed when the circus was in town.  It bothers me that so many other bloggers who sought that same spot light are now claiming they “always sensed something was wrong,” or didn’t like the way some people were treated… but they were right there egging it on, or looking for recognition when the clown ruled… or remaining silent, when they thought something was wrong.

What I find saddest about this entire situation is that Calamity’s story is horrible. She posted clear examples (in the form of screen shots of her conversation with Eric) to support her claims. She said stop. He didn’t. Whatever others think about what “really” went down (we all saw a brief exchange, not the entire relationship), those few lines of dialogue are shocking. From that alone, in no way could I in good conscience deny that what was done to her was wrong. It was. What I find difficult to accept is the absolutely vicious comments back and forth that have come out of her experience, by those who support or don’t support her. THAT is the very thing that intimidated me at the LC show. I loved the witty and almost always dynamic repartee that went on, and the kick ass posts: on ACOF, TOC, and BBW– where many bloggers gained their initial platform, and had their voice heard… and where we as readers were exposed to some very powerful stories and writers. However, I never liked the hostile feeding frenzies that were often stirred up when/if LC disapproved of something someone said or wrote. I did not follow Maggie, and only read some of that this week… but it’s awful. That so many other bloggers have stepped up to say that they too had similar “attacks,” is as shocking to me as this incident with Calamity. The way in which these accusations and responses are playing out is as ugly to witness as the FB and Blog posts that started the dialogues.

I am a writer first. Right now, I do that as a blogger. I am here in the blogging community to write, and have my work read. I’ve come to really love the blogging community. But I have had some boundaries made much clearer to me through all of this. Friendships are nebulous. We are not family; we are a Community. And, this community has not behaved very well at times. Many of those who are launching vitriol at LC now, were cozying up to him and saying some pretty harsh things to Nicki Daniels, a week before the shit hit the fan with Calamity (who I in NO way include in this remark) in an on-line feeding frenzy which Calamity says lead to her outing Eric. That is bullying. Personally, I did not like Nicki’s post about bearded “hipsters”; I thought it was mean-spirited, even if she posted it under humor. I particularly didn’t like her responses to many of the comments she got from the post. That’s my right, to not like it, and I simply didn’t hit like. I didn’t jump into the comments, because my not liking it was irrelevant. It was her opinion, and while I found it a bit mean, she wasn’t (in my opinion) spewing hate, just not being nice. I had liked other posts she made, and commented positively to her, but I saw no point in adding to the negative.

When LC started a dialogue about that on FB, I thought (initially) it was what this right here is: a reasonable discussion about an issue we all participated in (after all Eric had boldly promoted Nicki, just short of demanding we all go like and follow her; it had been a love fest for weeks). But that “discussion” became really ugly, certainly as mean as anything bloggers said they were responding to in her post.

I see the same thing with the outing of Eric. People have turned very quickly, and the comments in some of the posts that have come out about all of this have been as vicious as those people are now claiming Eric launched against them. This post, yours Guapo, and the comments here… is the first place I’ve seen some mutual respect and reasonable dialogue, back and forth. NO ONE: not Eric, not Calamity, or Samara, or Maggie, or Weebs, or Jen, or Rara, or ANY writer/blogger deserves to have hate mail sent to them. Who the hell gave anyone the idea that their rights extend beyond this screen? What we share in comments and our posts, does not give anyone the right to send threats or hate to someone privately. To frighten them, or their children, or suggest that they are not free to share their truths.

As so many others have said: stop reading, stop following, leave a comment of dissent, but there should be no room for bullying or hate here. How many posts have we all written or supported about anti-bullying? How is this any different? We can support Calamity without lynching Eric. If you think he’s disgusting, don’t read his work. Don’t follow him. If you think Calamity’s a liar, don’t read hers. But the threats and name calling have gone too far. Personally, I was stunned when the first of three bloggers contacted me to ask why I was so quiet… but the answer was clear, upon some reflection. I was scared. I felt intimidated. If this community turns so quickly, what might come of my comments?

That is where my comment became a blog post. I got that far in Gaupo’s comment section and realized this had taken a toll on me that was surprisingly big. I stopped typing there and decided to just put on my big girl pants and speak for myself. I am sorry if my words have hurt anyone. That is not my intention. I fully support Calamity in speaking her truth. I do not know all the details and am not commenting on anything other than the abusive way she was spoken to, and treated in the dialogue thread she shared.  I think the hate sent her way is wrong on all levels. What she shared was ugly, and I wish her healing in this. If you don’t wish her healing or support what she’s done, move on and leave the hate mail in your draft folder.  I think the hate sent to anyone who supports Eric is wrong on all levels, as well. If you have supported LC and the many good posts he put out there, you too are entitled to that, and anyone who disagrees should move on, and leave their hate mail in their draft folders as well.

Grow the fuck up people. We are not in high school. We are not a family. This is not a playground, and these are not games, to pick sides and cheer on your favorite! Some of this is really hurting and alienating people who come here to write and share a writing/blogging community. If you don’t like something walk away.  That does not mean turn a blind’s eye to something that is truly abusive. Speaking out about the abuses done here is righteous, and personally, I found Guapo’s post and the comments here the most level-headed. He is angry, and taking his stand. He’s entitled and I agree with much of what he had to say in his post. But taking personal shots at people’s character and motives (on both sides) is wrong. I recognize it’s a wasp’s nest. I keep re-reading my own writing here, and anxiously wondering what will garner me anger or hate. I hope my intentions are clear: Do No Harm. I believe there’s a lot of harm being done and I really hope we can all put our personal motives and opinions aside and go back to blogging.

That is the saddest part to me. We’ve lost perspective of who was really hurt here, and our role in supporting or not supporting those people. There have been plenty of bloggers stepping up to weigh in on their own experiences… However, tossing the shit at others, for having an opinion, is another thing. I am not going to lynch LC and I stand up for Calamity. I totally stand against any form of bullying or abuse to anyone, on-line or in person, in any form, and I stand in support of Calamity for the abuse done to her. She has spoken her truths, and there has been shit thrown on both sides. Enough. That there were other elements of their connection is none of my business. I also do not deny that I was grateful for and excited to get any support from LC when his Big Top was up. He was kind to me in comments and while I think our friendship was rather one-sided (something he knows is true), I am not a victim here, nor did I benefit in any major way from our connection. I think that makes me part of the bigger crowd… the crowd that I think should step back and go back to writing, and sharing other things.

No doubt El Guapo dodged this bullet…  I apologize for the length. After all the heat I’ve taken for my affair with President Obama, I probably should have erred on the side of staying on the sidelines.

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